a few drafts over the year, and then later

 Bismillah

Embracing a new year with a Bingo board for 2026. Cause writing goals down then crossing them out is a much more exciting way to do things. 

And one of the item on the list is to travel! Alhamdulillah for the option to renew our passport online, and also to have siblings whom I could travel to places with (traveling alone, as I age, does not look as inviting, maybe cause I have not traveled much, maybe cause I have seen/read gore things happening to solo travellers. Eep). 

Why the Hogsmead visit portrait? I miss walking the grounds in winter, just people watching, in the long stretch of white snow. Not sweating from heat, yet warm enough by the layered clothing I have on. :') The ice skating sessions, wild sledding episodes, the times they let the penguins out at the zoo, having singing sessions and Christmas dinners with the besties. Woot~

Alhamdulillah for the memories. :)

life after the hurdle

 Bismillah

The first agenda on the list, camping. 

Drove to a camping spot, set up tent, shelter, cooked a Michelin-star inspired ramen. Enjoying the rain and chilling in the tent. Just the sound of cicadas and birds and the pitter patter of rain. 

Did not manage to stay the night though. Most campers bailed out cause of the rain. So, for a first timer, it was kinda creepy to stay in such secluded place. 

What we learnt that day; 

set up the tarp first, and honestly, the tarp I had was not big enough for the tent. or maybe use those shelter-thingy.

get a place with good internet connection. 

buy ice from a local store near you XD. 

bring you brother along. 

brighter light source. 

Going to drag the neurosurgeon next time. And up the cooking game. Woot~

-----

And I just got back from a trip to the land of Legos! Taking full benefit of the light rain and non-school-holiday weekday. Minimal queuing (either first or second to go) for all the rides. :) Did a good two rounds before exiting the park. 

It is my first visit since it opened. I think The Kingdom installation was the best out of all the attractions. The rides weren't the scariest I have been on. Rather than the feeling of leaving my heart behind, the G forces acting on the acute curves were actually tolerable. 

Didn't get to ride the Dinosaur one though T_T. No single rider allowed. 

But I love Dinos. Glad to have been to USJ. That, needs a revisit. 

*if all goes well, hopefully end of the year*

-----

Those were perhaps the two activities in which I took photos. 

There was also the part where I attended Nouman Ali Khan's story night, and a pre-New Year journaling session. 

Looking forward to make macarons next. 

And also that motorcycle license. 

Not forgetting, keeping up with the journaling this year, two weeks and counting >.<

-----

I have also found myself reading again, like, for the enjoyment of it. 

-----

Alhamdulillah, that I get to do these things. 

Alhamdulillah, that I am still alive. 

-----

Reconnecting with friends and family. 

Glad not all is lost. 

-----

I pray for your happiness and ease in whatever you do today! 

Love, 

Nora 

pantai timur

 Bismillah

One part down, Alhamdulillah. It has been a humbling ride, and I was surprised, when H said, she would do it all again. At that point, I felt like it was the embodiment of the word husnudzhon. Cause the biggest part of the journey, is learning to embrace oneself, the good, the bad, the ugly, and mostly, the great potential within.

Thank You, for the many opportunities and friends I got to know along the way. And for teaching me to let go of what drained me. What lies at the end of unanswered prayers, were more beautiful thank I could have asked for. Thank You for saving me, time and time again. 

-----

It is step one again, it will be different though. 

I think I know myself more now. 

:)

start living

 Bismillah 

Juggling work, exam and restructuring the heart and mind seemed to put some things on hold. At least that is what I thought. Sometimes, you have to give yourself credit for doing what you think is the bare minimal, and start thinking of how the things you do are the maximal effort you can exert for now. Pat yourself in the back, take a breather, and carry on in the right direction. 

-----

Perhaps one of the thought provoking conversations we had in the previous session was, what next? Regardless of what is going to happen, what is next on the to-do-list?

I told you I wanted to start living again. Take a well deserved break. Regardless of the result. 

And so I did. It was a trip of discovering that my physical health has deteriorated (or it might be the altitude and my rush to reach the top). And to find what beauty I thought I missed out on 20 years ago, is just a tiny little piece of land inspired by European architecture. 

i.e. I did not miss much, time and with it, space, has moved on, and so must I. 

-----

What made a whole lot of difference this time is, the fact that I showed up. A majority of the time. 

And I asked for adjustments in my schedule. 

Admitting to family and friends when I am just so darn exhausted. 

-----

One last hurdle to overcome before a major adjustment in responsibilities at work.

Alhamdulillah for where I have been and where I am and where I am going. Make ease. Amin

-----

The next trigger, regardless of the outcome is, how do I plan to start living life again? Outside of the academic rat race? 

*hold hands excitedly like a villain who just got the greatest plans laid out to achieve his far-fetched dreams

-----

Yuroshiku!

window to the unconscious - part i

It was not her usual frilled flower dress, anyone could tell that the garment she had on, was to be celebrated, like she is, on that day. Victorian-inspired, tiered diamond ruffled mint flower dress, one she would have been accustomed to, if it weren't for the choice of colour; only cause she celebrates the melancholic persona she had been portraying, so much that if it were gray or the darker shade of blue, wearing the dress would have made her feel at home. 

Mint coloured her to appear as an innocent, soft, almost vulnerable to some extent, judging by the way she held her right fingers in her left hand, and if you look close enough, how she gently squeezes them intermittently. How could she not? Being sweet and dainty is an occurrence she would like to keep within her private space, which, at the moment projects no further than her pericardium, the thin lining of her heart. 

Oh, she was once sweet and dainty, something she was nurtured to do to avoid the scorn of her elders when she was young, which pathologically evolved into people pleasing and her eventually learning the hard way, after being manipulated by her genteel acquaintances (who really were, the worst of evil), for their personal gains. So she learnt instead to have trust issues. 

With almost all eyes on her, majority of which were unknown, vulnerable is an understatement. Overwhelmed but with very little time and space to work with, she decided to be an impostor, keeping her confusion at bay, and puts on her professional mask of being approachable. 

It was the day of her wedding after all. 

-----

That is it for today, until the next episode. 

I once wrote about an alchemist who served dragons. 

And I lost the text. 

I just remembered the feeling of accomplishment for finishing the chapter. 

It has been a while, but I am glad to be able to have fun typing things down today. 

Alhamdulillah ^_^

can a heart be so readily moved?

 Bismillah

I'm deeply rooted

In being stationary 

Storms and quakes

Failed to uproot me

My heart hurts

My body wary

Do I rot

Before I can break free?

Do I tear

Limb by limb

Just to be?

I am of higher purpose

Before I am me

Nudge me

So I move

Closer towards You

Stuck but,

I really wish to run

Towards Your eternity

Nora

-----

Times are a bit rough. 

Finding a balance between embracing who I am and also catching up on studies. 

Between forgiving myself and reminiscing on the abundance of regrets that I have. 

Between celebrating my wins and rectifying my mistakes. 

The bad guys always seem to win. 

Or are they really the bad guys?

I wish I could talk it out but maybe, I am far too embarrassed. 

I wish I could cry it out, but I may have forgotten how. 

I do this masking game too well. 

-----

If I were rich, I'd take a break from work. 

For a month or two. 

It is just too tiring right now. 

one day at a time

 Bismillah

The reason why we need to learn from mistakes, is because, mistakes come with repercussions. 

And every time we make the same mistake, they would add up. 

Until one day, it becomes too much to bear.

And we become too ashamed to ask for help. 

It would ear us up, drain us, until we are left with very little of ourselves, to recover. 

We ended up exhausting our mind, body and soul, just to climb out of the shithole we so nonchalantly created. 

-----

Even if you are halfway climbing, just keep moving. 

Even a little. 

It is going to take a while. 

A habit of many years, cannot be erased in one night. 

-----

You sometimes need to hit rockbottom. 

Just so you can see, the many ways out. 

Just so the road you used to hate to take, becomes a welcoming friend today. 

-----

When I saw them welcoming the refuges today, I wish I was also there to help. 

I wish I were rich enough to be able to do more. 

-----

You'll get there. 

One day at a time. 

Nora

juicy

 Bismillah

Hallo summer fruits! Watermelons are nice but seeing the price of peaches and cherries slightly cheaper than other months of the year is just awesome! A treat I find myself and Mama looking forward to yearly. 

Managed to get a long enough weekend for a staycation with the family. I did not know they were going to block some main roads in Key Ell for the coronation. Thank God we were walking distance from groceries and really nice meals. It was Min's birthday. Me, Mama and Hana were browsing stores and decided to buy her some fancy-reasonably-priced spices, 8 bottles of them. Afia wrote her a card, and we framed the artwork of Afia, Ali together with a cute polaroid of them. And we managed to keep it a secret for a day. Even the bag where we put all her presents were intricately decorated by me and Afia. 

We got to know Afia and Ali LOVE hummus. And ramen with chicken broth is something Afia actually likes. I knew she liked ramen before, but apparently she only eats them when I buy them, cause Min cooks and ramen is prolly not in her list of meals she regularly prepares. 

I regretted not being able to join the fun swimming session. Being 2 years old did not stopped Ali from repeatedly jumping into the pool (wearing the float jacket). Maybe cause the Iranian auntie sunbathing was cheering him on as well. Looks like he definitely will come over to my place the next time they are in Klang Valley. I do not fancy swimming alone. Though I probably should, my joints are so stiff T_T

-----

I am back on track with the final exam preparations. It is sometimes scary to think that the more I read, the more I don't know. And that is how life is right now. The more I open my eyes to what the world has to offer, more uncertainties pop out. And it is so easy to get sidetracked.

I guess in times like this, it is best to have an anchor. To keep me grounded. To have a purpose. And praying that every step that I take, will be blessed. 

-----

More than anything, I really hope what I do pleases God. 

Nora

gone

 Bismillah

The news of people leaving, so soon, has been the theme this month. 

Out of those whom departed, the first is still surreal to me. Being married to a healthcare personnel could not prevent the inevitable. I shudder to think that a death so sudden could happen to just about anyone. Felt like only yesterday that he taught us to fine-tune our ultrasound skills for regional anaesthesia, making sure our caffeine needs are fixed and always encouraging teamwork and celebrating our wins and losses. Here and there I still hear stories of him, the not-so-small projects in his name, to a future of better healthcare. And he won't be around to see it. Life goes on. 

The second one I managed to work with, always the helpful hand, and not awkward when it comes to advising people on the right things to do. (All the nurses in WCH are trained by the best, and I appreciate this quality about them, making the knowledge theirs, and having the guts to educate others involved in the care of the patients). Your voice can no longer be heard, yet the grief or your loss is so dense in the air, I can feel how much you are missed. And yet, life goes on. 

The most recent, is one I held, and am still, holding, dear to my heart. One of my favourite person, I would say. A lot of it has got to do with the fact that, he acknowledges the good that others do. Life doesn't suck as bad when we hang out. So I was glad we got to hang out, even if it were the premises of CRW and IJN. I still recall the sadness in your eyes, when you thought of the bad things you may have done, and how we went, that is for God to know and for us to seek forgiveness from. Maybe cause I always want to see you in a good light. I so hate people whom bring out our weaknesses and parade them in front of others. If God has forgiven one, then those sin-mongers should ask for forgiveness for doing so. And I remember how you voiced out your concern about how your children never went through hardships, and me telling you how we are all tested differently. And the sigh of relief when you knew how your children and nieces and nephews share their concerns in life between themselves. I hope you knew then, that all the things you have done, to not make us feel alone, well, we hope you are never alone too. Thank you for letting me and my siblings know that you see the good in us. I see so much good in you that, I hope, as you wait for the Hereafter, your sins are forgiven, your soul is at peace and where your body resides now, is a comfortable place for you. In your final days, it felt my life was on hold. Even on your funeral, I was on call, yet I knew I had to join the prayers, the burial. Things were made easy that day, Alhamdulillah. My colleagues taking my referrals, the epidurals were not complicated, and the most unstable patient was able to be resuscitated well to be discharged to the general ward. EW shared the news of a pregnancy. Dragon baby! And so, life goes on. 

-----

Times were tough, and I berated myself for not being able to do things I wanted to do. And again, it became a vicious cycle of self-loathing. 

Which lead me to Googling the emotional wheel after so long. 

And got me into thinking about how, I do not regret spending my time to talk to my uncle during his last few days on this Earth. I hope I was kind to him, like how he always have been to me. And I really do hope to see him in Jannah, and that I am blessed enough to be granted that. 

And Jean (my CP) told me that, when you are at the lowest point in your life, just do the basics. Eat, sleep, dishes, laundry. And do what you can, at that. And it is okay, really.

-----

I always wish you well. 

Nora

ratatata

Bismillah 

One should not take so many stimulants in one go. For one is no longer young. And the wear and tear of the internal organs will make any increase in workload a dangerous place to venture into. 

This morning, I regretted that Red Bull and coffee. It took 4 hours for the palpitations to subside. Taking mental note on that. 

It has been so long since I needed to concentrate so bad. And it sucks cause it did not work anyway. I was too overwhelmed with the bounding pulsation of my heartbeat. 

It does not feel like butterflies. It felt like a stampede in Jumanji. 

 Heading to work. 

 On public transport. 

Cause no way am I driving. 

 ------ 

 It has been many years, and I still decided to learn the unconventional way. 

 Yes, celebrate this none the less, love. 

 12 lead ECG stat! Please, and thanks. 

And today I wonder if, we still mind our Ps and Qs, even as we give orders to others. 

We should probably continue being nice. 

It is never out of style. 

but of course

Bismillah So, it has been done. A visit to the mental health practitioner. Starting therapy and new medications. Perhaps a flaw in the plan was building up the courage to inform important people at an early enough stage so I could take my time adjusting. Cause being distracted at work and coming back home tired is not actually an ideal situation to be in. I take what I can though. One step till the next one. And acknowledging that, sometimes, step one is as easy as taking a deep breath. Which is saying something, because breathing is hard some days. Lets take better care of ourselves. :) It will eventually be okay!

It is I

Bismillah Hello 34 years of living. No, my birthday has been so long passed. I got overwhelmed by a lot of things in life right now. Which I have to admit, was by large, my own fault. I want to give myself a pat in the back for acknowledging my mistake. And also for accepting the fact that maybe, I have a slight neurodivergence. I wish to be able to focus more. So I could do things I need to do, before my time runs out. I hope to make discipline, a routine, a habitual, ingrained trait in myself. I for one, am accepting the fact that, I do not know things, in fact, there are a lot of which, I know nothing of. Please make it easy for me to bare this weakness of mine, O Allah. Please make me strong admidst the critiques which are to come. You are not alone. There are people who care. And you care for them. Do not be alone. Have faith. Have strenght. Make doa. Repetitively. Bend, but do not break. Cause, you can actually do this. Done is better than perfect. Just do it. Nora (context: thesis not done, self sabotaging and i probably need some medication. cause coffee and redbull is messing up my chronotropic response)

hidden merchandise

Annyeonghaseyo!

I found the rarest item (at least in my opinion) on a recent trip to Korea, New Journey To The West merchandise!

Was strolling along MBC (how can I not, Infinity Challenge was THE show for me, too bad it got cancelled). And decided to take the route next to A Twosome Place, when me and my sister had to do a double take, as we came to realise that the yellowish thing displayed over the store next to the coffee shop is Myo Han! Both the humanoid and dog. They had real life sized plush toys, priced at about 33000 won and bag charms ranging 7000 - 7500won each.

We got the bag charm though, (a lot cheaper, and our bags were filled with other things *read: cosmetics to help revive our aging skin) and they're just as adorable!!!!!

Not sure how long it'll be there but the shop also sells, besides njttw merchandise, the apron from Yoon's kitchen, some stickers and t-shirts. I wish I was rich to get them all but of course, live by our means we shall.

The store is exactly at the crosswalk between MBC Sangam-dong and CJENM building, next to the coffee store, A Twosome Place. The yellow is so distracting, it's hard to miss. Hope it helps.

Pic 1: view of the store from A Twosome Place cafe
Pic 2: my Myo Han bag charm

Most of all, what I prayed for, in that desperate time of realisation is, so that I recognise the feelings, and that I come to acknowledge it, and that I could cry if I need to, that I'm able to seek the right help if needed, and most of all, to come to terms and peace with it. 

Please don't make me do bad things because of it.

Please let me always give the benefit of doubt. 

Please help me cleanse myself of all the hurtful things I have done.

Please help me be a better person than I was before. 

undry

Bismillah

My lacrimal duct has not dried up, I learnt that today.

It was the 14th episode of Hotel Del Luna, in which I find that when you have so much feelings in your heart, but no way to pour it out, it can be dangerously suffocating.

It's not that I'm desperate to be someone's someone. I have come to terms that it'll make no difference in the end when you'll die alone anyway.

It's just that, I'm scared of shutting away the loneliness I feel, making it so unrecognisable, to the point of it being a disease that latches on me, and taps away at things I find joy in, and later lead me to do things I'd regret. Things that turns me ugly. Things that blackens my heart.

Maybe asking "how are you".
Is better done in front of the mirror.

"I'm not well".

fear

Bismillah

I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.

A mantra to summon fear.

-----

I am currently in a state of not knowing. The busy life of an intern has made me lose all forms of attachment, resulting in this free floating, go-with-the-flow state I have effortlessly drowned myself in. It is contradictory though, the fact that I am following the crowd, yet I feel asphyxiated. Could it be, I have gone to a place where the air is just not right for me? Am I grazing on the wrong field, feeding my soul with essence not meant for its survival?

I can feel myself walking aimlessly, a result of waking up late on a regular basis, and failing to observe, where I put my foot, whose shoulder I may have accidentally brushed, the smiles of stranger, those gestures encouraging my near-death-look as I climbed the stairs of the multistorey parking, wishing home would come to me. And the thing I am worried about, is how my nonchalant attitude has made all those encounters meaningless. Have I failed at recognising the small gifts God has given me? Oh Lord, how I shudder to think of what has become of me. What is it that has damaged my heart so?

-----

There is evil, as much as there is good. And I cry at the scary thoughts I sometimes think of. And further hurt myself, when, of all things, my emotions associate joy with those scary thoughts, it is as if my scary world, has found a new definition of darkness. And I cry again, for this is too much to bear, and yet, I am afraid if I talked about it, you would run away.

Cause everybody else has done it.
Run away.

-----

I do not know how to end this yet. I need a solution. I need to believe again.

-----

I know I cannot rely on others on this, it is beyond anyone's control. I hope it would be made easy, finding peace in this hellhole.

I hope to be good.

I hope to be well.

I hope to not end up in hell.

ridikkulus!

Bismillah

The most ridiculous thing I got my brain involved in this month is Baby Shark Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. Diluting it with other things. This is what happens when you are put in charge of the Paediatrics Surgery twice in a row.

On the good side, I have achieved 100% functioning ilioinguinal blocks! Woot woot! And my first caudal block too! Woot woot!

Back to studying now :)

Hope that I ace the coming Entrance Exam. Want to get out of this plateau earlier if I could.

You gotta work hard Nora!

november

Bismillah

November = national novel writing month = stress = making people read my undone novel.

And the satisfaction from the readers going, "What happens next?" "You are evil! You made me read an unfinished work!" Going into a proper writer's block. And getting upset when the bosses throws you your colleague's unfinished reports. I sometimes wonder if I am doing business instead of healing. Meh.

Because of the unnecessary stress, I do what I do best.

I PROCRASTINATE.

And ended signing up for a program to learn more about city farming next week! Woo hoo.

I started some hydroponic planting by the window, just today. It makes me feel happy, cause it marks a start of surviving single life. (And the fact that today is single's day. 11.11 <- awesome="" but="" lonesome="" number="" p="" the="">

On a sidenote, trying so hard to do the right thing now, and getting friendly with the destroyer of pleasure. The afterlife is afterall, forever.

Love,
Nora

sleep it off

Cause I am lost.

I think I survived well today.

Gotta sleep before tomorrow.

Good night, sweet dreams,
I hope we'd both dream of the days
Where we dance under the moonlight.

Alone in love,
Nora

things I wanted to ask you

Bismillah

I wanted to ask if you could wait, cause I thought you understood me most. I lack the ability to express my concern, not because I am afraid, rather, my brain is wired a little differently. And in the midst of the myriad of happenings around me, I forgot what was there between us or rather, what was supposed to not be there.
And ironically, it has everything to do with my being hypersensitive, I sense emotions so intensely and fall into sympathy like an object with high inertia; that I build up walls to barricade people from knowing what really goes on inside of me. I build up walls cause I am terrified, what you would make of me. I cannot let you see this tears I am trying hard to hide, constantly ceiling-staring with the hopes of defying gravity. Or how I am grateful that the lights are out when they made wedding vows cause my lacrimal duct does not seem to understand being in public.
These walls I have built, are a joke, for they have multiple one way windows, for I know I am not capable of reaching out. I'd die, rather than face the truth, which I am certain, I cannot handle. I have effortlessly unlearned how to open my heart, and when you want me to be there, then, you must know, it kills me, to not be able to open my mouth. I am aware of the situation you are in, but that God damn one way windows, taught me, no heart was made for breaking. Except probably mine.
I won't say sorry, for, crippled as I am, I will always do my best, to do what I can. I pray for all the goodness to come to you. I pray that He makes ease whatever challenges you are going through. I pray that my hope and dreams overcome my fears. I pray that even in this walled fort, I would be able to set things in motion.

That being written, I actually wanted to ask, if there is hope for me.

Even if I knew what you would say, maybe, I miss the comfort of being certain.

If I could say what I wanted to say, then I would tell you that ADD and relationship sucks, unless you are totally fine with me being honest with you (which, due to high level of anxiety, I would not do unless you proved to be trustworthy. and sadly, now, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS TRUSTWORTHY ANYMORE)

This leaves us with more questions,
Nora