fear

Bismillah

I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.

A mantra to summon fear.

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I am currently in a state of not knowing. The busy life of an intern has made me lose all forms of attachment, resulting in this free floating, go-with-the-flow state I have effortlessly drowned myself in. It is contradictory though, the fact that I am following the crowd, yet I feel asphyxiated. Could it be, I have gone to a place where the air is just not right for me? Am I grazing on the wrong field, feeding my soul with essence not meant for its survival?

I can feel myself walking aimlessly, a result of waking up late on a regular basis, and failing to observe, where I put my foot, whose shoulder I may have accidentally brushed, the smiles of stranger, those gestures encouraging my near-death-look as I climbed the stairs of the multistorey parking, wishing home would come to me. And the thing I am worried about, is how my nonchalant attitude has made all those encounters meaningless. Have I failed at recognising the small gifts God has given me? Oh Lord, how I shudder to think of what has become of me. What is it that has damaged my heart so?

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There is evil, as much as there is good. And I cry at the scary thoughts I sometimes think of. And further hurt myself, when, of all things, my emotions associate joy with those scary thoughts, it is as if my scary world, has found a new definition of darkness. And I cry again, for this is too much to bear, and yet, I am afraid if I talked about it, you would run away.

Cause everybody else has done it.
Run away.

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I do not know how to end this yet. I need a solution. I need to believe again.

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I know I cannot rely on others on this, it is beyond anyone's control. I hope it would be made easy, finding peace in this hellhole.

I hope to be good.

I hope to be well.

I hope to not end up in hell.