gone

 Bismillah

The news of people leaving, so soon, has been the theme this month. 

Out of those whom departed, the first is still surreal to me. Being married to a healthcare personnel could not prevent the inevitable. I shudder to think that a death so sudden could happen to just about anyone. Felt like only yesterday that he taught us to fine-tune our ultrasound skills for regional anaesthesia, making sure our caffeine needs are fixed and always encouraging teamwork and celebrating our wins and losses. Here and there I still hear stories of him, the not-so-small projects in his name, to a future of better healthcare. And he won't be around to see it. Life goes on. 

The second one I managed to work with, always the helpful hand, and not awkward when it comes to advising people on the right things to do. (All the nurses in WCH are trained by the best, and I appreciate this quality about them, making the knowledge theirs, and having the guts to educate others involved in the care of the patients). Your voice can no longer be heard, yet the grief or your loss is so dense in the air, I can feel how much you are missed. And yet, life goes on. 

The most recent, is one I held, and am still, holding, dear to my heart. One of my favourite person, I would say. A lot of it has got to do with the fact that, he acknowledges the good that others do. Life doesn't suck as bad when we hang out. So I was glad we got to hang out, even if it were the premises of CRW and IJN. I still recall the sadness in your eyes, when you thought of the bad things you may have done, and how we went, that is for God to know and for us to seek forgiveness from. Maybe cause I always want to see you in a good light. I so hate people whom bring out our weaknesses and parade them in front of others. If God has forgiven one, then those sin-mongers should ask for forgiveness for doing so. And I remember how you voiced out your concern about how your children never went through hardships, and me telling you how we are all tested differently. And the sigh of relief when you knew how your children and nieces and nephews share their concerns in life between themselves. I hope you knew then, that all the things you have done, to not make us feel alone, well, we hope you are never alone too. Thank you for letting me and my siblings know that you see the good in us. I see so much good in you that, I hope, as you wait for the Hereafter, your sins are forgiven, your soul is at peace and where your body resides now, is a comfortable place for you. In your final days, it felt my life was on hold. Even on your funeral, I was on call, yet I knew I had to join the prayers, the burial. Things were made easy that day, Alhamdulillah. My colleagues taking my referrals, the epidurals were not complicated, and the most unstable patient was able to be resuscitated well to be discharged to the general ward. EW shared the news of a pregnancy. Dragon baby! And so, life goes on. 

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Times were tough, and I berated myself for not being able to do things I wanted to do. And again, it became a vicious cycle of self-loathing. 

Which lead me to Googling the emotional wheel after so long. 

And got me into thinking about how, I do not regret spending my time to talk to my uncle during his last few days on this Earth. I hope I was kind to him, like how he always have been to me. And I really do hope to see him in Jannah, and that I am blessed enough to be granted that. 

And Jean (my CP) told me that, when you are at the lowest point in your life, just do the basics. Eat, sleep, dishes, laundry. And do what you can, at that. And it is okay, really.

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I always wish you well. 

Nora