Most of all, what I prayed for, in that desperate time of realisation is, so that I recognise the feelings, and that I come to acknowledge it, and that I could cry if I need to, that I'm able to seek the right help if needed, and most of all, to come to terms and peace with it.
Please don't make me do bad things because of it.
Please let me always give the benefit of doubt.
Please help me cleanse myself of all the hurtful things I have done.
Please help me be a better person than I was before.
My lacrimal duct has not dried up, I learnt that today.
It was the 14th episode of Hotel Del Luna, in which I find that when you have so much feelings in your heart, but no way to pour it out, it can be dangerously suffocating.
It's not that I'm desperate to be someone's someone. I have come to terms that it'll make no difference in the end when you'll die alone anyway.
It's just that, I'm scared of shutting away the loneliness I feel, making it so unrecognisable, to the point of it being a disease that latches on me, and taps away at things I find joy in, and later lead me to do things I'd regret. Things that turns me ugly. Things that blackens my heart.
Maybe asking "how are you".
Is better done in front of the mirror.
I am currently in a state of not knowing. The busy life of an intern has made me lose all forms of attachment, resulting in this free floating, go-with-the-flow state I have effortlessly drowned myself in. It is contradictory though, the fact that I am following the crowd, yet I feel asphyxiated. Could it be, I have gone to a place where the air is just not right for me? Am I grazing on the wrong field, feeding my soul with essence not meant for its survival?
I can feel myself walking aimlessly, a result of waking up late on a regular basis, and failing to observe, where I put my foot, whose shoulder I may have accidentally brushed, the smiles of stranger, those gestures encouraging my near-death-look as I climbed the stairs of the multistorey parking, wishing home would come to me. And the thing I am worried about, is how my nonchalant attitude has made all those encounters meaningless. Have I failed at recognising the small gifts God has given me? Oh Lord, how I shudder to think of what has become of me. What is it that has damaged my heart so?
There is evil, as much as there is good. And I cry at the scary thoughts I sometimes think of. And further hurt myself, when, of all things, my emotions associate joy with those scary thoughts, it is as if my scary world, has found a new definition of darkness. And I cry again, for this is too much to bear, and yet, I am afraid if I talked about it, you would run away.
Cause everybody else has done it.
I do not know how to end this yet. I need a solution. I need to believe again.
I know I cannot rely on others on this, it is beyond anyone's control. I hope it would be made easy, finding peace in this hellhole.
The most ridiculous thing I got my brain involved in this month is Baby Shark Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. Diluting it with other things. This is what happens when you are put in charge of the Paediatrics Surgery twice in a row.
On the good side, I have achieved 100% functioning ilioinguinal blocks! Woot woot! And my first caudal block too! Woot woot!
Back to studying now :)
Hope that I ace the coming Entrance Exam. Want to get out of this plateau earlier if I could.
November = national novel writing month = stress = making people read my undone novel.
And the satisfaction from the readers going, "What happens next?" "You are evil! You made me read an unfinished work!" Going into a proper writer's block. And getting upset when the bosses throws you your colleague's unfinished reports. I sometimes wonder if I am doing business instead of healing. Meh.
Because of the unnecessary stress, I do what I do best.
And ended signing up for a program to learn more about city farming next week! Woo hoo.
I started some hydroponic planting by the window, just today. It makes me feel happy, cause it marks a start of surviving single life. (And the fact that today is single's day. 11.11 <- awesome="" but="" lonesome="" number="" p="" the="">
On a sidenote, trying so hard to do the right thing now, and getting friendly with the destroyer of pleasure. The afterlife is afterall, forever.
I wanted to ask if you could wait, cause I thought you understood me most. I lack the ability to express my concern, not because I am afraid, rather, my brain is wired a little differently. And in the midst of the myriad of happenings around me, I forgot what was there between us or rather, what was supposed to not be there.
And ironically, it has everything to do with my being hypersensitive, I sense emotions so intensely and fall into sympathy like an object with high inertia; that I build up walls to barricade people from knowing what really goes on inside of me. I build up walls cause I am terrified, what you would make of me. I cannot let you see this tears I am trying hard to hide, constantly ceiling-staring with the hopes of defying gravity. Or how I am grateful that the lights are out when they made wedding vows cause my lacrimal duct does not seem to understand being in public.
These walls I have built, are a joke, for they have multiple one way windows, for I know I am not capable of reaching out. I'd die, rather than face the truth, which I am certain, I cannot handle. I have effortlessly unlearned how to open my heart, and when you want me to be there, then, you must know, it kills me, to not be able to open my mouth. I am aware of the situation you are in, but that God damn one way windows, taught me, no heart was made for breaking. Except probably mine.
I won't say sorry, for, crippled as I am, I will always do my best, to do what I can. I pray for all the goodness to come to you. I pray that He makes ease whatever challenges you are going through. I pray that my hope and dreams overcome my fears. I pray that even in this walled fort, I would be able to set things in motion.
That being written, I actually wanted to ask, if there is hope for me.
Even if I knew what you would say, maybe, I miss the comfort of being certain.
If I could say what I wanted to say, then I would tell you that ADD and relationship sucks, unless you are totally fine with me being honest with you (which, due to high level of anxiety, I would not do unless you proved to be trustworthy. and sadly, now, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS TRUSTWORTHY ANYMORE)