Thursday, November 23, 2017

ridikkulus!

Bismillah

The most ridiculous thing I got my brain involved in this month is Baby Shark Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. Diluting it with other things. This is what happens when you are put in charge of the Paediatrics Surgery twice in a row.

On the good side, I have achieved 100% functioning ilioinguinal blocks! Woot woot! And my first caudal block too! Woot woot!

Back to studying now :)

Hope that I ace the coming Entrance Exam. Want to get out of this plateau earlier if I could.

You gotta work hard Nora!

Saturday, November 11, 2017

november

Bismillah

November = national novel writing month = stress = making people read my undone novel.

And the satisfaction from the readers going, "What happens next?" "You are evil! You made me read an unfinished work!" Going into a proper writer's block. And getting upset when the bosses throws you your colleague's unfinished reports. I sometimes wonder if I am doing business instead of healing. Meh.

Because of the unnecessary stress, I do what I do best.

I PROCRASTINATE.

And ended signing up for a program to learn more about city farming next week! Woo hoo.

I started some hydroponic planting by the window, just today. It makes me feel happy, cause it marks a start of surviving single life. (And the fact that today is single's day. 11.11 <- awesome="" but="" lonesome="" number="" p="" the="">




On a sidenote, trying so hard to do the right thing now, and getting friendly with the destroyer of pleasure. The afterlife is afterall, forever.

Love,
Nora

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

sleep it off

Cause I am lost.

I think I survived well today.

Gotta sleep before tomorrow.

Good night, sweet dreams,
I hope we'd both dream of the days
Where we dance under the moonlight.

Alone in love,
Nora

Monday, October 23, 2017

things I wanted to ask you

Bismillah

I wanted to ask if you could wait, cause I thought you understood me most. I lack the ability to express my concern, not because I am afraid, rather, my brain is wired a little differently. And in the midst of the myriad of happenings around me, I forgot what was there between us or rather, what was supposed to not be there.
And ironically, it has everything to do with my being hypersensitive, I sense emotions so intensely and fall into sympathy like an object with high inertia; that I build up walls to barricade people from knowing what really goes on inside of me. I build up walls cause I am terrified, what you would make of me. I cannot let you see this tears I am trying hard to hide, constantly ceiling-staring with the hopes of defying gravity. Or how I am grateful that the lights are out when they made wedding vows cause my lacrimal duct does not seem to understand being in public.
These walls I have built, are a joke, for they have multiple one way windows, for I know I am not capable of reaching out. I'd die, rather than face the truth, which I am certain, I cannot handle. I have effortlessly unlearned how to open my heart, and when you want me to be there, then, you must know, it kills me, to not be able to open my mouth. I am aware of the situation you are in, but that God damn one way windows, taught me, no heart was made for breaking. Except probably mine.
I won't say sorry, for, crippled as I am, I will always do my best, to do what I can. I pray for all the goodness to come to you. I pray that He makes ease whatever challenges you are going through. I pray that my hope and dreams overcome my fears. I pray that even in this walled fort, I would be able to set things in motion.

That being written, I actually wanted to ask, if there is hope for me.

Even if I knew what you would say, maybe, I miss the comfort of being certain.

If I could say what I wanted to say, then I would tell you that ADD and relationship sucks, unless you are totally fine with me being honest with you (which, due to high level of anxiety, I would not do unless you proved to be trustworthy. and sadly, now, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS TRUSTWORTHY ANYMORE)

This leaves us with more questions,
Nora

Friday, September 22, 2017

reject pile

Bismillah

One of the things I fear in this world, is rejection. I have interest in very peculiar things, and at some points in my life, very peculiar people. And as solid, as present as they are in front of me, I could not bring myself to express my loving for them, afraid they would runaway. When that happens, I hate to think of how I would lose my muse and my companion in striving to be a better person before I leave this world for good. So I try to keep my head low, and my feelings, even deeper, with the hopes of not being found out. And I coaxed it with the fact that, this life, is just a fleeting moment, that time will heal and erase all things, and eventually, none of this will matter anymore.

-----

I went to seek treatment for my eyes cause some symptoms are worsening. And things are not so good. With whatever time left, I need to use my sight with care. Read, watch, appreciate all the beautiful things in life. It is true, what they say, about appreciating what we have, when it is gone, or going for sure. So I am actually aiming to get over my fear of rejection, and start a reject pile, while my eyes are still somewhat healthy. :) Sending in those poetry and prose. Not for the cash, rather, so it would be read, in the hopes of echoing the common ailments we are facing and giving the pat-in-the-back feel to tell everyone, to buck up and strive on.

It is in my blood to write, and I'd like to use that while I can.

-----

All is well. There are a lot of good things yet to be discovered, in this adventure called life.

Love,
Nora

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

depth

Bismillah

I wrote my prayers down
Lest I forget
What I wanted and
At least, I think I need.

I wrote them down in ink
I was afraid
I might miss
All important wishes.

I wrote them in a book
Which if read
Readers might die
Earlier than planned.

Cause written are
Seemingly shallow and simple
Yet sincere hopes
The heart dreams achieving.

Written for the sole reason
That I am nothing
I am powerless
And I seek Your Mercy.

-----

I struggle to keep my head in something, this ADHD mind, goes a million different places, and I just cannot find a way to hold on to a prayer at times. This year, I found good, in writing down my prayers, so that I could open it up, and muster the attention to read what I wrote. Thank God, the same concept could be applied this Ramadan, and I got to make my set of prayers early in the month. With time, the shallowness of the requests I  made to God, seemed to find a depth. And repeating a similar pattern helps to give an idea of what I value most.

I hope to continuously pray, and that praying is made easy for all of us.

Love,
Nora

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

when you are about to let go

Bismillah

The loving bond
Of a relationship,
The strength from health
Of a body,
The accompanying serenity
Of nature untouched,
The budding hope
Of a sincere prayer,

When you are about to let go,
Don't.

And if you were letting go,
My dear soul,
Then ask for Help,
In prayers, in patience.

Your written destiny,
Awaits.

It is a thing so beautiful,
That you need to be ready
To embrace it.

#makeeaseDearLord

Love,
Nora