juicy

 Bismillah

Hallo summer fruits! Watermelons are nice but seeing the price of peaches and cherries slightly cheaper than other months of the year is just awesome! A treat I find myself and Mama looking forward to yearly. 

Managed to get a long enough weekend for a staycation with the family. I did not know they were going to block some main roads in Key Ell for the coronation. Thank God we were walking distance from groceries and really nice meals. It was Min's birthday. Me, Mama and Hana were browsing stores and decided to buy her some fancy-reasonably-priced spices, 8 bottles of them. Afia wrote her a card, and we framed the artwork of Afia, Ali together with a cute polaroid of them. And we managed to keep it a secret for a day. Even the bag where we put all her presents were intricately decorated by me and Afia. 

We got to know Afia and Ali LOVE hummus. And ramen with chicken broth is something Afia actually likes. I knew she liked ramen before, but apparently she only eats them when I buy them, cause Min cooks and ramen is prolly not in her list of meals she regularly prepares. 

I regretted not being able to join the fun swimming session. Being 2 years old did not stopped Ali from repeatedly jumping into the pool (wearing the float jacket). Maybe cause the Iranian auntie sunbathing was cheering him on as well. Looks like he definitely will come over to my place the next time they are in Klang Valley. I do not fancy swimming alone. Though I probably should, my joints are so stiff T_T

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I am back on track with the final exam preparations. It is sometimes scary to think that the more I read, the more I don't know. And that is how life is right now. The more I open my eyes to what the world has to offer, more uncertainties pop out. And it is so easy to get sidetracked.

I guess in times like this, it is best to have an anchor. To keep me grounded. To have a purpose. And praying that every step that I take, will be blessed. 

-----

More than anything, I really hope what I do pleases God. 

Nora

gone

 Bismillah

The news of people leaving, so soon, has been the theme this month. 

Out of those whom departed, the first is still surreal to me. Being married to a healthcare personnel could not prevent the inevitable. I shudder to think that a death so sudden could happen to just about anyone. Felt like only yesterday that he taught us to fine-tune our ultrasound skills for regional anaesthesia, making sure our caffeine needs are fixed and always encouraging teamwork and celebrating our wins and losses. Here and there I still hear stories of him, the not-so-small projects in his name, to a future of better healthcare. And he won't be around to see it. Life goes on. 

The second one I managed to work with, always the helpful hand, and not awkward when it comes to advising people on the right things to do. (All the nurses in WCH are trained by the best, and I appreciate this quality about them, making the knowledge theirs, and having the guts to educate others involved in the care of the patients). Your voice can no longer be heard, yet the grief or your loss is so dense in the air, I can feel how much you are missed. And yet, life goes on. 

The most recent, is one I held, and am still, holding, dear to my heart. One of my favourite person, I would say. A lot of it has got to do with the fact that, he acknowledges the good that others do. Life doesn't suck as bad when we hang out. So I was glad we got to hang out, even if it were the premises of CRW and IJN. I still recall the sadness in your eyes, when you thought of the bad things you may have done, and how we went, that is for God to know and for us to seek forgiveness from. Maybe cause I always want to see you in a good light. I so hate people whom bring out our weaknesses and parade them in front of others. If God has forgiven one, then those sin-mongers should ask for forgiveness for doing so. And I remember how you voiced out your concern about how your children never went through hardships, and me telling you how we are all tested differently. And the sigh of relief when you knew how your children and nieces and nephews share their concerns in life between themselves. I hope you knew then, that all the things you have done, to not make us feel alone, well, we hope you are never alone too. Thank you for letting me and my siblings know that you see the good in us. I see so much good in you that, I hope, as you wait for the Hereafter, your sins are forgiven, your soul is at peace and where your body resides now, is a comfortable place for you. In your final days, it felt my life was on hold. Even on your funeral, I was on call, yet I knew I had to join the prayers, the burial. Things were made easy that day, Alhamdulillah. My colleagues taking my referrals, the epidurals were not complicated, and the most unstable patient was able to be resuscitated well to be discharged to the general ward. EW shared the news of a pregnancy. Dragon baby! And so, life goes on. 

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Times were tough, and I berated myself for not being able to do things I wanted to do. And again, it became a vicious cycle of self-loathing. 

Which lead me to Googling the emotional wheel after so long. 

And got me into thinking about how, I do not regret spending my time to talk to my uncle during his last few days on this Earth. I hope I was kind to him, like how he always have been to me. And I really do hope to see him in Jannah, and that I am blessed enough to be granted that. 

And Jean (my CP) told me that, when you are at the lowest point in your life, just do the basics. Eat, sleep, dishes, laundry. And do what you can, at that. And it is okay, really.

-----

I always wish you well. 

Nora

ratatata

Bismillah 

One should not take so many stimulants in one go. For one is no longer young. And the wear and tear of the internal organs will make any increase in workload a dangerous place to venture into. 

This morning, I regretted that Red Bull and coffee. It took 4 hours for the palpitations to subside. Taking mental note on that. 

It has been so long since I needed to concentrate so bad. And it sucks cause it did not work anyway. I was too overwhelmed with the bounding pulsation of my heartbeat. 

It does not feel like butterflies. It felt like a stampede in Jumanji. 

 Heading to work. 

 On public transport. 

Cause no way am I driving. 

 ------ 

 It has been many years, and I still decided to learn the unconventional way. 

 Yes, celebrate this none the less, love. 

 12 lead ECG stat! Please, and thanks. 

And today I wonder if, we still mind our Ps and Qs, even as we give orders to others. 

We should probably continue being nice. 

It is never out of style. 

but of course

Bismillah So, it has been done. A visit to the mental health practitioner. Starting therapy and new medications. Perhaps a flaw in the plan was building up the courage to inform important people at an early enough stage so I could take my time adjusting. Cause being distracted at work and coming back home tired is not actually an ideal situation to be in. I take what I can though. One step till the next one. And acknowledging that, sometimes, step one is as easy as taking a deep breath. Which is saying something, because breathing is hard some days. Lets take better care of ourselves. :) It will eventually be okay!

It is I

Bismillah Hello 34 years of living. No, my birthday has been so long passed. I got overwhelmed by a lot of things in life right now. Which I have to admit, was by large, my own fault. I want to give myself a pat in the back for acknowledging my mistake. And also for accepting the fact that maybe, I have a slight neurodivergence. I wish to be able to focus more. So I could do things I need to do, before my time runs out. I hope to make discipline, a routine, a habitual, ingrained trait in myself. I for one, am accepting the fact that, I do not know things, in fact, there are a lot of which, I know nothing of. Please make it easy for me to bare this weakness of mine, O Allah. Please make me strong admidst the critiques which are to come. You are not alone. There are people who care. And you care for them. Do not be alone. Have faith. Have strenght. Make doa. Repetitively. Bend, but do not break. Cause, you can actually do this. Done is better than perfect. Just do it. Nora (context: thesis not done, self sabotaging and i probably need some medication. cause coffee and redbull is messing up my chronotropic response)

hidden merchandise

Annyeonghaseyo!

I found the rarest item (at least in my opinion) on a recent trip to Korea, New Journey To The West merchandise!

Was strolling along MBC (how can I not, Infinity Challenge was THE show for me, too bad it got cancelled). And decided to take the route next to A Twosome Place, when me and my sister had to do a double take, as we came to realise that the yellowish thing displayed over the store next to the coffee shop is Myo Han! Both the humanoid and dog. They had real life sized plush toys, priced at about 33000 won and bag charms ranging 7000 - 7500won each.

We got the bag charm though, (a lot cheaper, and our bags were filled with other things *read: cosmetics to help revive our aging skin) and they're just as adorable!!!!!

Not sure how long it'll be there but the shop also sells, besides njttw merchandise, the apron from Yoon's kitchen, some stickers and t-shirts. I wish I was rich to get them all but of course, live by our means we shall.

The store is exactly at the crosswalk between MBC Sangam-dong and CJENM building, next to the coffee store, A Twosome Place. The yellow is so distracting, it's hard to miss. Hope it helps.

Pic 1: view of the store from A Twosome Place cafe
Pic 2: my Myo Han bag charm

Most of all, what I prayed for, in that desperate time of realisation is, so that I recognise the feelings, and that I come to acknowledge it, and that I could cry if I need to, that I'm able to seek the right help if needed, and most of all, to come to terms and peace with it. 

Please don't make me do bad things because of it.

Please let me always give the benefit of doubt. 

Please help me cleanse myself of all the hurtful things I have done.

Please help me be a better person than I was before.