two extremes

Bismillah

I am currently working in the neonatal ward. Alhamdulillah, for the abundance of experience. Alhamdulillah, that most of the time working, my path was eased. Alhamdulillah, that Paeds is something I come to love more each day.

I hope to strive. To happily do so, and to be blessed doing so.

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I find the need to write today because God sent me a special patient today.

My first special patient was in Medical department, but that was a story left untold due to the lack of motivation I had to write previously. (It was, a department where one can get depleted of energy really fast, mind you)

Apparently, my patient is a spot on diagnosis. I was surprised myself, to be able to meet one, to have been given the chance of attending and clerking her.

Born today at 1012 and passed on only recently.

I remember trying out her reflexes, which didn't amount to much. Moro, sucking, palmar grasp.

And stroking her when she was suddenly apnoeic. And watching her thrive for breaths.

And how I can sigh relief every time her heart beat and oxygen saturation picks up, whenever, the values derange.

I am glad I got to touch her, I was trying to channel hope. Though I can't tell if hope was more for me or her. I was hoping I don't have to see her go.

But she did. Not when I was around, but she did.

And it confuses me now. Cause the other three cases I attended to today, was a prem, whom was jittery, otherwise normal. An infant of a diabetic mother, and a neonatal jaundice case. In my head, what was going on was, well little one, at least, you're not like her. I know it's wrong to think that way, everyone has their share of burden. It was wrong to make such comparison. Kan?

Am I perhaps in denial? Haha. Perhaps I should have seen her go. Then again, it is better not to. :'(

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun.

Don't grief too long.

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On a fairly happy note, we got ourselves a Ukelele today. :)
Nah, I can't be smiling somehow.
Give me strength. Please. :(

Love always, regardless,
Nora