Sunday, November 09, 2014
Wake up girl.
Stop living in a dream world.
What am I supposed to do now.
Honestly, just what am I supposed to do.
Can You show me my purpose NOWWWW????
Huaaaaaaaaaa :'( :'( :'(
So depressing when you can't do anything.
Hate hate this feeling.
I wanna escape this place.
This horrible restraining place we call home.
And I wanna take all the lovely people with me.
But I can't take this anymore.
Nak terbang tinggi
Sayap dah terpotong
Tak apa aku angkat kaki
Sebab itu kot
Tuhan cipta aku
Monday, October 27, 2014
Cause you bright up the shadowy part of my life
Cause I like having you around
Don't go~ 😢
- confession of a hopeless dreamer in love with a dream guy -
Oh well, like how bad things come to an end, good things do that too. Reaching an end, that is. Feelings are there only because we allow it to roam free and grow, with our own desires and thoughts.
By thinking about it, we start to develop our perfect images of a person, a persona moulded from our interpretation of a great relationship.
By thinking about it, we also spend less time to shape ourselves into being that oh-so-awesome-being we have planned to be. Which is a great loss, really.
Gaaaa~ how much time have I wasted with these thoughts, I now come to regret. :(
When what I actually wanted was for me to be able to give as much as I could. And for that, the only perfect partner is a supportive one. And Mama and Hana are both playing a great part in that. :)
Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. Sorry, i am so sorry for being so lost. Please always lead me right, lead me true. Lead me to bring the best out of me and the people around me, regardless the circumstance. :)
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
I write when I'm happy.
I write when I'm sad.
I write when I'm bored.
I write when I'm excited.
I write when I'm surrounded.
I write when I'm alone.
With time, it proved to be a sound method of relieving myself from the expectations I had drawn for myself, and regrettably, on the expectations I have on people around me.
Writing coaches me, after err spilling all my frustation, to look at things in simpler ways.
Writing coaches me to take the first few steps to vulnerability. And my, that helped faced the many surprises this life have in store.
Keeping things bottled up isn't actually a good thing, and I find writing lets me concoct how to present what I feel, lest the other party gave up trying to understand.
(I am not very good at conveying emotions)
And I thank God for being able to write.
I thank God on how it has become a great tool of well being.
I am meeting a bestfriend today.
And come Sunday, I will have the escape that I longed for. InshaAllah.
Come Nora, make the most of what you have.
And what you have is a lot, now that I think of it.
Sunday, September 07, 2014
"Mungkin sekali, jalan ini, adalah asbabnya untuk ke SyurgaMu"
As a state of matter, I am, undeniably, physically and emotionally burnt out. All work and very little room for rejuvenating has drained productivity off of me.
I hate how getting to work now scares the life out of me. Never have the nauseated and pre-syncopal feelings approach me as much as it had to do with this, than with other postings.
Now that I am writing this, I think I know exactly why I dreaded this branch of the job so much. Subconsciously, an embedded hatred towards something associated close with my liking this field, has not been put to stop.
All the while, I thought it has stopped, but I had let it destroy my existence. Why in the world did I let it do that?
I am so so tired yet I must keep my tongue and say that I am not.
Why can't I be more vulnerable?
I want to escape, but I'm imprisoned in my own shell.
I can only go so far, for I am afraid of the lack of support.
If I've climbed the highest mountain, I am afraid that all I get from people that matter most to me, when I fall, is a smirk. And the serve-you-right attitude.
And I am so so afraid to make connections, cause if I screw that, they say I made friends with the wrong crowd.
I don't know where this is going.
I don't even know why I must write this now.
Work is in 3 hours time.
I need a break. And maybe, a psychiatrist.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
O&G is not something I am fond of.
And I am having a really hard time.
What with the range of barbaric medical officers this particular department has, it is so so hard to remember who I am these days.
I am always regretting, for not giving my killer (betul ke?) smile at a nurse who was giving me a malignant stare that day. <-- are="" better="" i="" in="" learnt="" malignant="" medical="" more="" nbsp="" of="" p="" people="" that="" the="" they="" to="" treat="" warmer="" will="" you.="" you="">
I am a kind person.
And a foul act from others shouldn't make me meconial (get the joke? kekeke) like they are.
BE NICE NORA, NICE IS NEVER OUT OF STYLE.
And be the best version of you :)
Working life is a challenge to spread goodness and make others spread them too. Be an agent of mercy. Go on, you can do this! :D
I miss the kiddos in Paeds! I sure do!
The bright side of O&G is the post natal reviews, which come with babies. And the baby updates! Heeee...
Saturday, August 02, 2014
*browses through home page*
Ohkay.. that's quite a number of pending posts.
And I am fiction-deprived.
Gotta sort out working life.
Gaaaaaahhhh <--- aaaaanddd="" attempt="" compartmentalize="" desperate="" hahaha.="" it="" not="" p="" s="" thoughts..="" to="" working.="">
God save me, from what I have become.
I wanna be a Jedi, not a Doctor.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
I feel parched. My heart feels dry.
I feel worthless. As if my efforts are wasted.
I feel like I can't go on. Cause I can't see a path. Not here nor there.
My body aches from all the motions. But I feel stationary.
I don't know anymore.
Sometimes it may seem dark, buy the absence of the light is a necessary part.
At least I've learned to cry again.
In desperate need of Ramadhan,
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
I find the need to write today because God sent me a special patient today.
My first special patient was in Medical department, but that was a story left untold due to the lack of motivation I had to write previously. (It was, a department where one can get depleted of energy really fast, mind you)
Apparently, my patient is a spot on diagnosis. I was surprised myself, to be able to meet one, to have been given the chance of attending and clerking her.
I remember trying out her reflexes, which didn't amount to much. Moro, sucking, palmar grasp.
I am glad I got to touch her, I was trying to channel hope. Though I can't tell if hope was more for me or her. I was hoping I don't have to see her go.
But she did. Not when I was around, but she did.
And it confuses me now. Cause the other three cases I attended to today, was a prem, whom was jittery, otherwise normal. An infant of a diabetic mother, and a neonatal jaundice case. In my head, what was going on was, well little one, at least, you're not like her. I know it's wrong to think that way, everyone has their share of burden. It was wrong to make such comparison. Kan?
Am I perhaps in denial? Haha. Perhaps I should have seen her go. Then again, it is better not to. :'(
Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun.
Don't grief too long.
On a fairly happy note, we got ourselves a Ukelele today. :)
Nah, I can't be smiling somehow.
Give me strength. Please. :(
Love always, regardless,
Friday, April 25, 2014
Then again, seek His refuge.
Ask, and you will be given.
In the event that we ask of what is the best that could happen, to protect our Deen, and in the event that we don't obtain what we imagine, then have faith that He has a much interesting route to offer.
This World is after all a petty place to be.
Our shelf life is The Jannah.
And I am in the process of convincing myself that these two years should be one where I limit my rest. Break down some walls. And explore the beauty of living.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Semestinya ada perbezaan. Antara seorang lelaki yang beriman dan yang tidak.
Dan itu penentu segala-galanya dalam sebuah interaksi.
Kadang-kadang, tak terlambat untuk mengenang sebuah nasihat seorang kakak boss "owh, tak perlu risau, dia orang-orang beriman"
5 months working and I cannot help but feel like I have to be more cautious. Can't let myself get accustomed to a norm that is against my principle. Huaaaaaa.
Sometimes i feel, work would be easier if I were married. There can at least be a wall I can (literally or not) hide behind in times of despair.
God help save me from myself. :'(
Please please please guide me, then keep me on the straight path,
Saturday, April 05, 2014
Love again, would you want to?
Could it be that divorce is allowed in Islam so that people could grieve a loss, and then decide to love again?
Sampai boleh rujuk tiga kali. Lol.
Cause we are so blind with what is in front of us.
We need to lose something to realise its value.
And seeing as how Death can't mend the past, Divorce is there to shake your soul and knock sense into you. Haha.
Try reading that with the style of a preacher. Cynical.
Divorce. Never ever forget that it is a deed that quakes His Arasy.
Tak haram, tapi sayangnya kalau perlu begitu.
Sayangnya kalau benci dan bukan marah.
Haha. This is not random. I just watched a drama.
Kadang-kadang kena tonton drama, untuk belajar Sunnatullah. Lol. We all lack the art of touching hearts and filling in each other's emotional accounts. Kan?
To love is?
In the end, it all boils down to someone who can bring my heart peace, and that I'm able to be a source of tranquility as well.
And to be reminded of our roles.
And make that calmness alive (hey..that looks like an oxymoron! kekeke)
Again and again.
It all starts within yourself,
Thursday, April 03, 2014
With the hopes of being smarter, more skilled, more sincere and a better agent of Mercy in the next one.
I was wondering the other day, about how big this job actually is.
I don't quite like it when people use the term "doc" out of hospital.
One fine day I found out, that wasn't a choice. I can't walk off when a person is in distress, outside the hospital.
Anyhow, I still am undecided on which specialty to go with.
Dear God, how can I best serve You by serving humanity?
A young doctor, I am,
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
And we are separated
And in that moment
A little bond
Of give and take
Is all we need
To touch hearts
Once only strangers
A glimpse of you and me
That pretty much sums up what I feel with my dengue patients.
Either they are healthy enough, get transferred to a high dependency ward, or they die.
Have I done enough when we met? :/
Thursday, February 27, 2014
I may have spoken too soon. Haha.
I am now the floating houseman, going back and forth between the general wards and the peripheries. And workload in the general ward is ever crazy. Haha.
Enjoying the cases in general ward more though, just that, I wish I had more time.
The MOs are cool. And I think it's really applicable you know, the part where when people treat you like trash, but you be nice anyway because you don't want to be like them; somehow, someway, God will open their heart to not be such a jerk eventually.
Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah :')
The MO I used to hate is actually very good at procedures. Haha.
And and I think I enjoy zapping joy in the ward. Can't imagine working with a looong face.
Hope the happiness is contagious enough to run around in the ward.
O Allah, please let me be an agent of mercy, whenever and wherever I am.
Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
So we stand there at the junction.
Fully aware that we've traveled the journey but somehow unable to make that final turn.
The one that decides where the next journey goes.
Aah~ I wonder.
There are many pending posts. Which only require the push of the send button by which, hopefully beneficial contents would be released to the world.
I shall write to reach the audience again.
It is about time.
I am .sure I have adapted this worklife. Time to get more with whatever I've been given.