silver lining

Bismillah

"Mungkin sekali, jalan ini, adalah asbabnya untuk ke SyurgaMu"

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As a state of matter, I am, undeniably, physically and emotionally burnt out. All work and very little room for rejuvenating has drained productivity off of me.

I hate how getting to work now scares the life out of me. Never have the nauseated and pre-syncopal feelings approach me as much as it had to do with this, than with other postings.

Now that I am writing this, I think I know exactly why I dreaded this branch of the job so much. Subconsciously, an embedded hatred towards something associated close with my liking this field, has not been put to stop.

All the while, I thought it has stopped, but I had let it destroy my existence. Why in the world did I let it do that?

:'(

I am so so tired yet I must keep my tongue and say that I am not.

Why can't I be more vulnerable?

I want to escape, but I'm imprisoned in my own shell.

I can only go so far, for I am afraid of the lack of support.

If I've climbed the highest mountain, I am afraid that all I get from people that matter most to me, when I fall, is a smirk. And the serve-you-right attitude.

And I am so so afraid to make connections, cause if I screw that, they say I made friends with the wrong crowd.

I don't know where this is going.

I don't even know why I must write this now.

Work is in 3 hours time.

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I need a break. And maybe, a psychiatrist.