to be happy again (uber long)

In a friendship, the best feel is the feel of belonging.

At least that's how I feel.

Just like how the prophet (SAW) needed friends on his venture, I guess we too need people to walk together with us.

And the best of friends do not leave you hanging unknown. They tell you where you went wrong. And they do it so delicately and wisely that you won't feel dejected. Because the wish of being successful together radiates from their very heart which then touches your very soul.

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Sometimes, I lead myself into hating what I've become. I wondered why I always fail to be like some people.

Looking around, I felt like I'm a worst case scenario. It's so painful to the point that, when people tell me what I should and what I shouldn't have done, I find myself at the bottom of the pit, just sitting there, not knowing when it will all come to an end.

I know the good-ones are trying to pull me onto their side of the hierarchy but like aforementioned, when people preach but for their own selfish reasons, it doesn't get to me.
It ended up with a thinking that between the good-ones and me, we are like creatures living in different spheres; there exist a barrier of which I can never overcome however hard I try. So, I ended up not trying.
And after the preaching, there I was again, being the lowest of the low. The feel of detest at that stage was almost unbearable.

I begin to isolate myself for I hate to hear promises of wanting to move forward together. The way I see it, I was, sadly, stranded. Lost maybe. Cause I didn't become wise from the knowledge I've gained and I wasn't eager to learn more. I was a goner. In my head: I could never be you in a gazillion years (if I were to live that long).

It's funny how people try to lead you in the right direction but ended up draining you out of hope.
Imagine you're in a deserted desert, with nothing but a friend who has the upperhand (having a good supply of beverages) and the friend could only cheer you to move on but not give you even a drop of liquid.
You would feel exhausted.
And along the course, you hoped that you could pack up and leave and you vow to not let such a person darken your doorway again.

It's a reality worth labelled nightmare; the feeling that I should move forward but at the same time, feeling that I couldn't. I became unhappy. Not at the thoughts of those people pulling me down though, but because I was convinced I can never be as good as them.

And for quite a period of time, all advises fall to deaf ears. I couldn't be bothered, for a long period of time, I didn't care.

What kept me standing was a flicker of want, to end up, in afterlife, in Heaven.

(This is part of my life and for the time, as much as it is history, it is pretty much present. :P )

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Praise to Allah, for after a long search and much despair, He sent friends who relieved me of the pain.

It's not a promise to get to the end together but it is a mutual feel of belonging.

It tells that between you and I, we have equal chances. I have what you have and no more than that.
As long as you do what is told and leave those which are forbidden, we are going to be all right. :)

Such simple words which solved such complicated an emotion.

And I also realised that I don't want to become anyone else but me. It is saddening, that I had been so weak in blaming others for pulling me down. However, having been in that condition, I hope that I'm not radiating waves which could make people believe that I'm any better than them. Believe me, I'm not.

Definitely, you and I, we have equal chances in this life, for the life after. And for every little step that we take in this life, our heart and mind has to only choose between two choices - to do OR not to do - simple aite?

Regardless of who you are, lets do all the right things eyh?
Don't give up trying cause it'll be a waste of time. Do what you can while you can. It's not everyday that we are healthy like we are now.
And spare some of your knowledge for me cause I long for more. :)

Love,
Nora.