Saturday, July 23, 2016

not mine


What I have
Was never mine to begin with
If I were borrowed
I would want me back
In a state
Where I know
I have been used well
That I have served my purpose
And I have done so


Today is a day, to be grateful for my brain, to be grateful for my ATPs, to be grateful for my heart, to be grateful that I have lived again.

One day at a time,

Friday, July 22, 2016



Living tortures me
Yet I fear Death
I have very little
For an Afterlife


Do not argue
Do not lie
Have good manners

It is not hard, to build a house in Jannah


I hope my sins will be forgiven.


deja vu



I cannot afford to love you, so I am keeping a distance. Whilst hoping the broad difference in latitude between us, may wean me off catching glimpses of you. It was not short, the meeting we had, I am afraid we have gotten use to having each other around. However, as much as I think, I have shamelessly walked closer, it felt like I am in fact, only running further.

I am afraid. Cause feelings such as this, has made me forget who I am before, suppose that happens again? Though in that small little chamber in my heart I hope, this time it would be different.

On the other hand, I am glad I admire kindness, discipline and responsibility this time around.


Long weekend

Time to digest the protocol. Hope to be done by next Thursday. Here we go!


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

nobody said it was easy


I try to keep my cool
A facade
To keep you from reading
At the end of the day
I wonder if I am a fool


I have so many insecurities, that I fail to be vulnerable. If I hesitate, it is because I am not ready, but if I do try, then, encourage me. God knows how many mountains I had to climb to utter those words.

It is selfish, to ask to be understood, when you do not explain yourself well.
So I will keep it to myself and God. And continue smiling at everyone around me. Even if it suffocate at times.

And I must not lose faith along the way. Or get impulsive and break.

Not ready for Death,

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

eid mubarak


I am glad to have deleted a sappy depressing post. Had promised myself to give off "good vibes only" (a desperate attempt to reclaim my heart and soul again).

God gave me a few more reasons to continue living, and I better make use of those opportunities, cause I see no reason not to. Alhamdulillah.


Found happiness today when I met my uncle. We kinda meet up on a yearly basis, now that I'm far from home. And I learnt a thing or two from him today. Such a strong person he is. Alhamdulillah.


I am watching a drama. Needed to learn to be a bit human. And how to build more sturdy bridges. And be more courageous, to probably put a window on this walls I have erected so well. See what is on the other side. Before climbing over and taking the jump. What a complicated life to live, one might say but hey, it might work for me. The alternatives are just too much for me to hold. Haha.


Have a blessed Eid, and here's to moving forward! (You may choose which path to go)


Monday, July 04, 2016

how I lose myself


It broke my heart
When my dreams;
You told me
They were wrong

But I would rather 
Be wrong
Than be rooted
In your right

Your hurting
Made me stronger
And surer than ever
Of what I do

I choose to strive
And fight for life
I choose to give
What is left to live

By chance,

If your tarnished soul
Can be filled with innocence
Perhaps then
We can love again


Today marks the day when I almost lost a pillar of support. I almost died (an exaggeration). But I did end up saying some hurtful things, cause it scared the hell out of me. We talked it out later, and all is well for now. But I must be more cautious cause this smells a lot like a development of a plot, for whose benefit, wallahualam (only God knows). 

And I thank God today, for two friends whom I now hold dearly. Both of them, reminding me about the important things in life, to be kind, to be knowledgable, to be wise, to not be swayed from the worldly view of beauty. And I appreciate that a lot. Cause maybe, for a long while there, I have forgotten what it is like to truly live. And I wasted so much time, money and effort, on things that don't matter. Yikes. 

Ramadhan is ending, and I hope the prayers will continue till the next one. God knows just how many lovely requests were answered. And I hope you continue to have faith and pray like it is Ramadhan every day. The month may not be here, but, He is the same God, whenever, wherever you are.

You need to buck up,
And bucking up is definitely a good plan.