Saturday, November 30, 2013
All it took was a simple, "are you okay?".
To realise that it's not that hard. And you're not alone in it. Busy weeks went past. There was the follow up for the MWC program and the Teddy Hospital (jadi artis 30saat on TV AlHijrah. keke) and the car processing and induction and finishing off a financial book (Pesara Jutawan by Azizi Ali. A very good, practical book ;) ).
They were all good. In fact, I felt relieved that they occupied a large portion of my life, without which, I may have gone a lil' cuckoo.
The younger sis has arrived from OZ and she popped out the question of how I could stand all off it. And I told her, I couldn't, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't make the most out of the situation.
Honestly I was surprised when she asked, then slowly realising that I have managed, in some inexplicable way, to learn to be free of it. Thank God. And to be happy and make others happy.
The same day, Mama told me how sorry she felt for me. I told her I was already okay. And she kept going on about the guilt etc, which made me cry. For like 3 seconds. Have to keep my cool. Haha.
I found out about what happened while I was away for the induction. Confirmed some suspicions. And decided it wasn't a matter we could do anything about.
I suffered, true, but like any other first times, it only hurts tremedously at the start. And no, I haven't developed immunity but now it feels like the burden is halved :') Alhamdulillah.
And you, are you okay?
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Nothing in life comes easy.
You have to pay the price!
Everyone has to pay the price!
What a naive young man to think that he could gain a lifetime of learning without paying the price.
But are we any less naive to think that we can secure a good job and a promising future if we haven't paid the price to develop a strong mind?
And you have to believe, if you've paid the price, that whatever has happened, was the best way it could. :) Totally love this interpretation of The Road Not Taken. Original here.
Retrospectively, the only price you have to pay is the first step. Cause when you sign up for something, you realise that things are really, fairly manageable. And my, how wonderful it is when you've learnt things that could help others. Return of investment requires those; the amount you're willing to put forward, and being patient with time.
It's scary at times, well, most of the times, to decide on letting yourself being stretched to your limit. To be a player in a game you're unfamiliar with. The more you give however, the more rewards you'll get.
First steps need jihad.
You gotta want it.
Like you'll need it one day.
And truthfully, there are many first steps we're grateful we'd taken.
The next great step is internship. Truthfully, since working life will commence in about two weeks, I'm very scared. Have to keep my vision clear. I need to develop competence, and what better choice than a busy hospital.
Thank God I'm almost done with my Medical handbook. Along the way, I hope to finalise more books.
At least finish them in the first six months. Must be pseudo-MO in a year's time. And decide on a specialty the second year. Oh yeah!!!
What first steps did we make today?
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
The reason some of us lost the bet was because of this.
I really thought of a cool macho clean sending-off of myself from the land-of-learning-so-much-stored-potential but my body already felt uneasy as we board the plane. On the first plane ride home, there weren't that many passengers and after confirming an empty row, I sat in the back, alone at first. Tears welled up as the plane started moving. And being bored, Thamarai came to sit in the same row as I.
Upon exiting the airport, I saw that plane. The one painted "PRAGUE (heart) YOU" and that was when all attempt of a charismatic egress from the soil where I grew for six years, failed. I most probably cried because I hoped to have done more in a place I won't be seeing for a while. Being in Med School kinda have the effect of making you focus. Perhaps a little too much. I was, too busy wallowing in the sorrow of the many exams I had to prepare for, and had forgotten the sweet rewards of doing things beyond my norm.
Not taking a potential risks always leads to regret on my part. In a way, perhaps, I had, wired my brain to see Mad School through, hence turning a blind eye on the many opportunities which were, noticeably putting on a show in front of me, which I glanced at and decided weren't for me. Not just yet, that was probably what my conscience decided to argue with.
I regretted not doing so many things, but living with the here and now, I decided, since I'm still alive, maybe the memory of what Prague was, was enough for me. And regret was a necessary feel, for without it, I may not be able to convince myself that I should, indeed, do more this moment.
I went for a 2-day course, with the intention to learn practical things to sort out the mess I believe I'm in, which I may have an idea to overcome but can't proceed with, without the right tools.
Anyway, one of the speaker is from a mixed parentage. And he was encouraging cross breeding. (there was a slot dedicated to making sure the marriage you get into would benefit) You get better kids (go Google). Hmmm. Haven't encountered a cross-able other breed so far. Mostly not yet cross-able. Get my drift? lol lol
Then again, the who and when can only be decided when I feel worthy enough to make someone else happy for the rest of my life.
Depending on who dies first in the equation of course.
I have yet to finish the self-dev book. I think I've drained too much brain juice last weekend. I did finish 3 volume of fiction though. *Sungguhlah tidak meletakkan yang penting terlebih dahulu. Aiyark.*
I passed my JPJ test :) Getting the license this Friday (2 weeks after the test. Haih, would have done it at JPJ myself if I knew it would take so long for the school to be done with it). Can't wait to cruise on the driver's seat. Kekeke.
I'm still undecided about a Teddy Bear Hospital next week. I should go aite? Have a look at potential clients? Yes yes I should. Must break wall. Must meet people.
Physiology (read: menstruation) is making developing new habits a bit hard. < alasan, ini semua ALASAN!
Well, make me content O Allah, and wherever this may lead, lead it all to You.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
You're lovely. In that you strive to make things alright. For you understand very well the challenging battle that everyone faces. You may not make any changes in what was fated by doing so, but by keeping your cool, you lessen the pressure, you make things better.
You're lovely. Your words are spot on, cause you took time and effort to learn one another. You're lovely in that you speak to bring hearts closer to knowing and loving Him. And what makes you beautiful is because He has bestowed upon you His Mercy and you hoped so hard that you've been chosen to be His agent of mercy.
You're lovely. Your actions are driven by what you believe in. Your principles solid, your approach flexible. You're never too harsh, you're never too genteel. You are moderate in practice.
You are loved. Cause that's what we do with lovely people. We love them. :)
I will love. Everything.
Monday, November 04, 2013
It took 10 years to reopen a book that helped me cope high school. Funny thing is, I'm reading the teen version of it now (as opposed to the adult version previously).
Taking it slow.
I'm ridding victimitis.
And planning a better route of my return to soil.
The lunch expedition wasn't a lovely thing, it was by all means, terrible.
However, as the saying goes (I made it up today); if you don't enjoy the ride, enjoy the food. Food is always good.
I wish all of us a better tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
And we asked of God, to purify our hearts, which were stained by mistakes we made. And in someways, to erase parts of our memories, so we get a rewiring of the complicated system of the nerves, so we won't travel down that familiar road which effortlessly yet successively steals our awareness of being merely creation.
I may be starting work in a month. :) Happy in a way but a message came in today that kinda slapped me into being more disciplined in my preparation for The Job. Two more things left to buy. One license to acquire. Was supposed to increase jogging distance this week but not today I guess :). And then, there's the idea to make my own guidebook. Gah. Still haven't started on that. Materials are there but need the push. Haha. COME ON GIRLLLL!!!!!
I adore her. Such a humble entertainer. :)
Maybe the reason I like her is because she's true to herself. And she does her job well and live a moderate, healthy life. It's hard to do when you're a top entertainer.
She's part of my idea of a successful modern-time woman.
Somewhat feeling good for her,
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I learnt that driving lessons can be exhausting. Any license to practice would need hardwork I guess, so that we don't get ourselves and others into trouble. Huhu.
Back in Prague, at Kak Liza's place, the bedroom cum attic has the kind of movable roof. Which is quite cool. And practical as well, seeing as you needn't lie on some grass somewhere to stargaze.
I wish I could always stargaze at a nearby field, but last weekend, whilst playing basketball and football with the brothers, suddenly a weird Pak Cik came and his presence was annoyingly uncomfortable. I stopped playing cause he seems like a stalker, and he started conversing with my brothers from a distance at first. My brother lied about where we stayed. Anyway, he came too close to where me and my other brother were lepaking, so we left the field and made our way to the shops nearby.
I thank God I have good brothers. Lay track on strangers so they won't find you. Well, maybe the fellow just wanted to chat, but hell-o, you don't chat with strangers, and there definitely wasn't a need to come too close. Scary. :/
The night exercise has been crossed out. Gahhhh. However, we now frequent the lakeside for evening jogs ^_^
A full lap is 2.1km. :D Hope to increase my endurance and be fit for work and life! Woo hoo! Come on people, lets bergaya hidup sihat! :D
Sunday, October 20, 2013
When you've done one step, then comes another.
This kind of predictability, is what makes life an adventure.
The curiosity of knowing what will be around a choice.
I tried to find a sopan-pantun photo. Hope this pass the mark. HAHAHAHAHA.
Now I need to know what happens to Maurice and his educated rodents.
Back to my cave of adventure,
Friday, October 18, 2013
"There's a door."
"Where does it go?"
"It stays where it is, I think."
Hehe. That's the thing about everything, aite? It's always there. If you open that door, open every door, somehow, you'll find one that is meant for you. Cause not everyone would want to open every door. Funny how most of us bow to the fear of the unknown.
Well, one can never be too careful, yes?
In the time that I haven't been blogging, I have easily turned into a monster. :O Takut tak takut tak.. Kekeke.
Cause blogging is good emotional exercise (at least, that is what I think) and there was so much going on in the past week but I failed to organise what was running around, hence mishandling my train of thoughts and feel. Huaaa.. rasa macam dah cukup dewasa tapi asyik gagal aje bertindak wajar. Haha. No matter, when you are met with unfamiliar challenges, of course it takes time to familiarise.
And talking of familial things, I guess I can safely say that I have found peace in some changes. This is perhaps more comfortable. And much easier in the going-out-for-important-things department for less questions are being asked. Wee hooooo... *All the while hoping, that I won't do the wrong thing*
The A-bomb. Getting into arguments and deciding on a win, doesn't really help eyh? :/
It's like getting a reminder from God, in the form of a blow in the head, to live the right way. Bak kata pak cik-pak cik, "Janganlah kau lebih sekular dari sekular".
Which reminds me, I have soooo much left to learn. *gigit jari*
There are people out there, who cares about what kind of doctor you will be. Alhamdulillah, to get connected again. Dear God, you give me so many beautiful forms of Your Mercy and yet......
*marilah bersama-sama menyedari status hamba*
All in all, what I concluded from the program was, with the trust bestowed upon us, I must strive to do enough in this world, so that I'd be at peace when leaving it. There're so much opportunities :O :O :O
I met and told Kak Alia about it. And somewhat was assured with a decision made. Funny enough, that also opened up the courage to do what I thought I wouldn't do.
Bringing up the past beats the purpose of making up/settling things.
Sebab mengungkit tu seolah-olah membuka kembali luka yang masing-masing sudahpun terima dengan jantung yang redha.
Fact is, we will get hurt, and along the way, we will hurt others. Aku harap bila dah terjadi, lidah aku cukup ringan untuk minta keampunan. Tapi tak lah begitu ringan sehingga maaf itu hilang nilai.
Raya was amazing. :)
Thursday, October 10, 2013
I broke the O-for-October plan.
To make room for this awesome song.
I miss Prague today.
I miss reasoning out life with you.
I hope you are well. :)
It doesn't matter that we're of different religion.
You're one of the great gifts from God to this slave of His.
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
Orang tua favourite. One of the few people whom I met, and made me draw a smile on my face. Tuan Ibrahim Tuan Man. Adorbs. :)
And the FB message today goes like this.
Alkisah seorang menantu yang membenci mertuanya…
Pada satu ketika dahulu, Aminah berkahwin dan tinggal bersama suami dan mak mertuanya. Hubungan Aminah dengan mak mertuanya bermula saja sudah seperti anjing dengan kucing.
Mereka berdua tidak pernah berhenti bergaduh kerana kedua-dua tidak dapat menahan sikap dan tabiat masing-masing. Mak mertuanya, Jannah mengkritiknya setiap hari.
Disebabkan budaya menghormati orang tua, Aminah sentiasa akur dengan permintaan mak mertuanya yang dirasakan melampau seperti seorang diktator. Suaminya pula tidak mahu berpihak kepada sesiapa. Aminah merasakan mak mertuanya inginkan menantu baru – samada ada dua pilihan, paksa suaminya untuk menceraikannnya atau suruh suaminya berkahwin seorang lagi.
Setiap hari Aminah memikirkan perkara ini…
Akhirnya Aminah tidak tahan, dan berjumpa dengan seorang Ustaz Rawatan Herba Ustaz Yahya, sahabat karib ayahnya, untuk menyelesaikan mak mertuanya.
Aminah mengadu segalanya pada Ustaz Yahya, dan meminta untuk mendapatkan herba racun untuk menyelesaikan masalah mak mertuannya.
“Pakcik boleh bagi. Tapi Nah kena ikut cakap pakcik sampai akhir. Kalau tidak, pakcik tak tanggung apa-apa yang berlaku nanti,” kata Ustaz Yahya.
Aminah kegembiraan, “No problem. Saya mesti dengar cakap pakcik!”
“Nah tak boleh guna racun yang cepat to menyelesaikan mak mertua awak, kerana orang akan syaki. Jadi, pakcik akan berikan beberapa herba yang akan menyebabkan racun terhasil secara sendirinya dalam badan mak mertua secara slow-slow. Setiap hari, Nah kena masak sedap dan letakkan sedikit herba ini dalam makanan untuk mak mertua.
Supaya tiada orang yang akan syaki Nah apabila terjadi apa-apa, Nah kena berlakon untuk menjaganya dengan baik. Jangan gaduh dengan dia, ikut cakap dia, dan layanilah mak mertua macam mak kamu sendiri.”
Aminah gembira sangat dengan cadangan pakcik dan mulakan langkah untuk menyelesaikan mak mertuanya.
Hari, masuk ke minggu, masuk ke bulan, Nah membuat hidangan yang cukup sedap untuk mak mertuanya supaya mak mertuanya tidak sedar kehadiran racun herba tersebut. Nah juga berhenti bergaduh dengan mak mertuanya kerana tidak mahu disyaki, Nah mengawal emosinya, dan mengikut segala perintah dan melayani mak mertuanya seperti maknya sendiri.
Setelah 6 bulan, mood di rumah Aminah berubah. Mak mertuanya sering memberitahu jiran-jiran dia dapat menantu terbaik di dunia ini. Aminah pula sudah tidak kenal erti marah, segalanya adalah seperti biasa untuknya. Sekarang mak mertuanya mudah dijaga dan bergaul seperi maknya sendiri.
Suami Aminah adalah orang paling gembira di rumah. Aminah sudah mengandung dua bulan.
“Pakcik, pakcik. Nak minta tolong. Ingat tak 6 bulan lalu, pakcik bagi saya herba racun untuk menyelesaikan mak mertua saya… boleh tak pakcik bagi penawarnya. Mak mertua dah bertukar menjadi seorang yang baik… saya sekarang sayang padanya macam mak saya. Saya tak nak dia mati kerana racun yang saya letak di setiap hidangannya,” kata Aminah yang pergi berjumpa dengan Ustaz Yahya.
Ustaz Yahya bergelak besar.
“Usah bimbang Nah. Pakcik tak pernah beri racun, dan tak pernah jual racun. Yang pakcik beri ialah vitamin pada mak mertua awak dan penawar untuk racun di minda Nah dan juga kelakuan Nah pada mak mertua… sekarang nampaknya racun itu dah habis dibuang dengan timbulnya rasa sayang Nah pada mak mertua… HAHAHAHAHHAHAH,” kata Ustaz Yahya.
Dapat isi tersirat?
Ada masa, kamu tidak dapat lari daripada meracun diri sendiri dengan teori konspirasi yang hanya wujud di kepala kamu sendiri sedangkan tiada orang yang berniat sedemikian rupa di luar.
Sekiranya kamu dah terkena racun diri sendiri dan teori konspirasi mainan minda sendiri, cubalah tarik nafas panjang dan bertukar pandangan dan memokus kepada kerja yang ada di tangan. Hentikan berhujah mengenai teori konspirasi tersebut. Jangan biarkan dirimu terus menelan racun air liur akibat bayangan teori konspirasi di minda sehingga mempercayainya seperti sesuatu yang pasti berlaku.
Jika kamu benci pada seseorang, cubalah cari benda yang baik untuk dipuji padanya. Nescaya jika dibuat berulang-ulang, perasaan benci itu akan pudar – dan hidup kamu akan kembali tenang.
Sedarlah bila kamu membenci seseorang, yang tidak tenteram hanyalahmu, dan bukan si dia yang dibencimu. Membenci bukanlah serangan yang mengena pada lawanmu, tapi sebaliknya ia melukakan kamu sendiri.
Salam sayang daripada ayahanda. Senyum
Have good thoughts of one another. A challenge, but it'll be worth it inshaAllah.
Today, I was less kan cheong on the road. Thank God ^_^
Owh and a little something today:
"The person who thinks about the past always look sad, the person who thinks about the present is always calm and happy, the person who thinks about the future is always anxious".
Marilah bertenang dan bergembira :) We're still alive whatttt.. Kekeke.
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
So I had my first practical lesson after 2 weeks of my previous theory lesson, today.
I drove Automatic cars before, so, I was a bit nervous. Haha. I really have very little idea how to play with the clutch and accelerator.
It took half an hour to learn the clutch and accelerator and breaking till you reach a full stop.
And Teach asked me, "you rasa dah ready ke, nak bawak kat jalan?"
"Boleh kot try"
"Okay, harini you bawak pergi Cheras, put on seatbelt, I nak panggil student lagi, dia harini exam dekat sana"
Puts on seatbelt.
Sambil memikirkan the amount of rules I shall be breaking. (Please refer KPP to guess :P)
Maka bermulalah perjalanan si Nenek, Teach dan seorang penumpang. Ohkay, I kinda panicked when we were about to exit the school compound.
"Serious ni, you nak I masuk jalan ni?"
"Masuk je cik, tak ada hal, kalau langgar mesti berbunyi, tekan je minyak tu"
And suddenly I had to go into alert mode. Hahaha.
My journey today, since I can't really recognise the road, can be simplified as
Jalan dalam at Shah Alam -> Highway -> Jalan dalam at Cheras.
As far as I can remember, I cannot exceed 40km/h. And I should be driving in the left most lane.
Today because I had to overtake errr.. not one but a few vehicles, I think I went up to 140km/h. I am still in a state of awe and not believing that I REALLY DID DRIVE IN THE RIGHT LANE DENGAN LAJUNYA TANPA RASA BERSALAH GILOSSSSS.
Needless to say, I experienced all five gears today.
And the funniest part was the tollgates. Teach has a Smart TAG so, I needn't stop fully. When I've slowed down to 20km/h on the second gear, he told me, "Okay, now you must say the magic word, Zam Zam, Alakazam".
It was funneh and the serious part of me went, in my mind "Huh? Seriouslyyyy" but my tongue acted otherwise. Lets be a good sport, shall we? So I went, "Zam zam, Alakazam!!!" dengan se-majestic boleh. Hahaha.
Cheras was damn scary. I had fun at the corners but the further in we went, the more cars there were. Tips from Teach includes "Kan ada dua kereta dekat tepi, kalau macam tu, you tengok depan, so you tak takut". Hahaha.
I had lotsa fun driving. My left leg had found its use today. Clutch is a funny funny thing. I'll definitely go for automatic gear. I don't think I'll fare well with an extra thing to think about when I work. I'll get friendly with the clutch again when I get the opportunity to dirt race. Heeeee.
On the way back from Cheras, I was to drive from the Highway onward. Till I reached home, Kota Kemuning. I think I drove for over an hour and a half today. Balik pengsan. Haha.
Disclaimer: Please don't try this at home. I fully understand my Teach's intention, to make sure I don't have too much fear, driving on the road, and to get me accustomed to really driving and not just passing my JPJ test. Survival after the lesson should after all, be everyone's priority. And I know well the dangers of high speed etc., will adjust to circumstances. InshaAllah. :D
Ya Allah, gembiranya saya hari ini. ^_^ Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.
Monday, October 07, 2013
In matters where an opinion of another would be deemed worthless, lets not fight.
Fighting is tiring.
I find backing down a complicated matter as well.
I can't reason backing down, when doing so, makes you feel better than the other person.
We should never think that we're any better than anyone, kan?
There're however, things which are so hard to be heard and listened to.
A lot harder then, for the heart to accept.
And you feel mentally and emotionally abused from it, that, you can't help but express, that those words thrown at you, made you feel that way.
It wrings you, it tires you, it bothers a whole lot.
Wait and be patient.
Good will come out of all these.
There had been many circumstances, where what you thought was the greatest solution didn't happen, and He proves right away why His plan was the best. Kan kan? :)
"I spun around and hurt no more....."
Best song evahhhhh. Haha. Owh I love this guy.
JAKIM can stop marriage but it can't stop love. (refere here)
Saturday, October 05, 2013
Begitu asyik dengan masalah peribadi sehingga tidak ku sedari, tafsir Baqarah dah sampai ayat 232 you alls! Hoi jauh bebenar nak kejar keretapi begini.
Tidak mengapalah, bergeraklah kamu wahai hamba Tuhan, ke arahNya walau bagaimana cara pun.
Kenapa tidak 286 ayat terus?
Kerana mereka belum post online lagi. Kah kah kah.
Untuk yang berminat: Tafseer Al Baqarah from Bayyinah Institute.
Malam bertemankan Podcast.
Lebih baik begitu. :)
Friday, September 27, 2013
Belajar mengelak keputusan menyusuli sesuatu perasaan.
Perasaan tidak dapat menundukkan akal.
Kalau kau sentiasa sedar apa yang sedang bermain dalam jiwa.
Was interesting. Though, I think a research should definitely be aided with good internet connection. Quite a pain to wait for a page to load there. Good thing the coming days, work can be done from home.
SPA dan kerenah menjaga masa penduduk Malaysia
Interview tomorrow. Had to buy a new shoe. Tak menyesal langsung. :) Been busy the whole week and the studying starts a lot later. SPA pun bagi tahu Monday. Owh well, semua orang punya masa yang sama.
Hoping the shipped stuffs arrive sooner though. :/ Tak konsisten lah the delivery. Adoiyai.
When you're met with datelines yang entah pape, it's safe to say, welcome back, ke Tanah Melayu.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
"He said 'Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change. You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way'."
- Starlight, by Taylor Swift
When you throw all the junks lying around you, you'll find potential.
Or so I did, when I decided to outgrow my mourning. Lol. Thank God for the courage. Won't know what would become of me otherwise. Haha.
So organising number one goes to the comic shelf. Berjaya integrate all the books into one shelf, leaving the other one empty. Jyeaahhh.
With layering, there's potential for more comics! Wee hoooooo...
And I don't know why must we have so many dates in this house. Of the different kind. Then I volunteered to make fruit cordial from them. And Mama said to spare the expensive ones. I told her, how, the key to good food is from good ingredient. Well, she didn't buy what I said. And so I used the ones yang tidak semahal. Next month kalau tak habis jugak, I shall finish them all. Regardless. Muahahaha (best evil laugh).
If left too long, mesti rosak all these fruits. Aigoo.
Owh and sekarang atas dasar kebosanan, the new in thing is to surf the net before cooking a meal. Haha. I'll request Mama to make Hoddeok tomorrow. Sebab esok mesti penat pergi kelas.
Come Tuesday, boleh melapor diri untuk kerja sambilan. :) Alhamdulillah atas peluang yang ada.
Buang kebimbangan, beri ruang kembang potensi,
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
We need to develop ways to calm ourselves.
Cause unopposed uncertainties may lead to dangerous places. :O
Then we came to the conclusion that there was no other way.
Which also means, there was nothing to be afraid of anymore.
If we're at the end of the road, then, just how much further can we not go?
So we strive with all we have (or rather, what abilities which were given to us, since we are, nothing to begin with) and somehow, continue living.
And we hoped so bad, that these unbearable happenings would erase our past misdeeds.
Not because of vengeance, rather, as a form of purification.
So our hearts remember what innocence is.
So that what greets us in the after life is the most happiest ending.
Dunia penjara orang mukmin. Dan aku tertanya-tanya, adakah hidup bahagia itu sebenarnya angan-angan duniawi juga? Haha.
I just know we shouldn't hurt one another. :/ Mercy above justice.
Make us feel at ease O Lord.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Alhamdulillah, I was granted a sweet escape. :) With Hana. Hehe. I went down memory lane, also famously known in my head as Kuantan.
Primary school. :) Majulah Assunta!
Our house was close to school and friends would drop by after class. More for the food than because we had any school related projects to finish. Not many moms were housewives, hence the house becoming a favourite spot for hungry schoolchildren.
The closing chapter was when the first promise was broken, and it was not known then, that it was the start of many more to come.
How I hated the final month.
And the years that follow.
Those years of life however, were what made me into who I am today. :)
They were necessary. So I learnt to hope from Him alone. And for that, I am grateful. :)
I hope with time, the pathological thinking and behaviour that developed from it would disappear. Still a long way to go, but lets not give up, aite? ;)
Bersabar meneruskan kehidupan,
Thursday, September 12, 2013
I passed my Undang-undang test ^_^ Alhamdulillah.
And Shifa terselamat daripada terpilih for the AF thing. She has great potential for other things. Lets pray she'll use those potentials instead.
Owh, this video, has Shifa, Adik (Asraf) and Tisha. :) It's so sweet to see them three. Dah balik Malaysia, tapi belum pernah bersua. Aiyaiyaiii..
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Remember the review on The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling? Well, as a refresher, I thought that book was horrible. Not the language, rather the theme. And one can't help but feel depressed after reading it.
And Malaysia has its own share of stories. Stories untold, for fear of ruining "reputations". Stories we daren't acknowledge, an act which, confirms the sick reality of this sick world we naively chose to be in.
The book is Wani's. We went to Pavi last weekend, to meet Akma who was in town to help her brother shop for his coming engagement. Orang Brunei kaya betul. Datang Malaysia cari barang kat Pavi. Oh mai~ We fetched and sent Wani home, and in the short stay of half an hour, her books, some of them, came to be in my possession. One of which, is KL NOIR.
The book is a compilation of short stories. And a superb compilation, I must say. These shorties are written by award winning authors. *bangga saya sebagai rakyat Malaysia* However, I can say that I'm not proud with the stories in it. Language-wise, fantastic but the theme was around damnation, honest writing, that I find very disturbing. The kind of reading material that automatically switch on the frown on your face. And makes you feel like there's a lump in your throat. Tidak selesa.
In the book, stories like Mamak Murder Mystery and The Oracle of Truth are what I can classify as most harmless. I've heard of gangsters in PJ and duit kopi and bribery is something we frequently read in the media, so, it did not came as a surprise. The reality of how these things are hushed, however, kinda make you lose hope in humanity. Tsk tsk. Haih~
Then there are other stories, stories I may not come to know until I start working. And it has everything to do with the Emergency, Forensic and Psychiatry department. It's sad to know lunatics are let free, for the simple reason that his relative is a "somebody". And in return, his punishment can be simply put on the shoulder of an innocent PATI (pendatang asing tanpa izin) and mind you, this is not for petty crimes. :'( Haih.
Astargfirullah. What a sad sad world we live in.
The last time, when I read TCV, God gave the chance to visit some orphanage for children not cared for. I wonder where this will lead.
If you are not a regular or sensitive to the problems of the society, if you live in the comforts of your safety zone, then, readers you are warned, the book can kill your innocence. However, it is of course, reminded that naivety doesn't actually fare well in this world of competition. In this land where everything is so freaking expensive that everybody, steals, for need, for greed. And they still so recklessly to the point that even homicide can't knock back conscience into them.
To be able to write this, to be able to read this, we are actually quite well-to-live.
Today I am grateful that even if I'm imperfect, at least for the time being, I'm still aware that I'm a Muslim. Alhamdulillah. T_T
Lets not ruin our lives, here and There,
ps: has anyone ever watched P Ramlee's Dr Rushdi? Apparently, it is a good movie.
Monday, September 09, 2013
Like how Imam Will puts it,
"It's always a special feeling when you meet a person whose action reminds you that you need to get better because they are so great. Allah Akbar."
Kak Alia once spoke, of having faith in others. For a lot of people, really love others for His sake. And they do good without expecting anything in return, but His blessings. And because of that, we too, give our utmost, so that we have more room for peace and love, and very little room for hate and regret, in our tiny little hearts.
Ironically, it is when you have a lot at hand that you begin to see things more clearly.
Perhaps it is because we disallow our mind to venture into that familiar land of pessimism, that it only picks up pieces of important information, and whatever is left, those small petty things, are just what they really are, small petty things.
Ohkay, need to get back to not so petty-little-book of Panduan Undang-undang Jalan Raya. Kyaaaa...
Wishing everyone enough of everything,
Saturday, September 07, 2013
I miss being busy.
So I look for things.
:) Save me from wasting time O Lord.
HO thingy, getting in contact with Hasanah. (Ain's cousin, whom I know of when I was very young, who shares the same view on some things. heeee ^_^) Getting my driving license. And hopefully, I could join the research thingy. Kyaaaaaa...
He's making things hard. I hope he'll get over this tantrum period soon. I hope I won't get sick of this ritual of his. Gotta accept the fact that you're not there to fix anything, Nora. :D Live happy, kay? And be kind, be kind for His sake. All will be well. :)
Hana made me watch a ghost story. And here I thought, I would be abstinent for the rest of my life. Tapi ini cerita sumpah lawak dari takut, maka, kutonton dengan hati dan mata dan telinga terbuka. Haha.
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
I learnt why a lot of people recommend "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Well, if you're like me, and cannot fare that well with motivational books (ie, terpaksa letak setelah 30 minit membaca), then listening to this should be enough, I hope.
Anthem versus Awek Chuck Taylor versus Under 18
It was a very stressful week. I needed the distraction. So I finished two books and a compilation comic. And it's actually very interesting to read a book written by authors of different genders and if I may put in my term, beliefs.
Funny how the books were both brown :P Anyway, I bought Nami's book because I thought his Tumblr was an interesting read. And seriously, Bahasa-wise, maybe I could write better. (Mama agrees on this. Hail Mama! The parent who actually make an effort to learn about her children! Woot2! Alhamdulillah!)
As for content, I thought both of them could do better. Whilst reading, I can't help feeling that they weren't actually that honest about the characters. Well, I get that it's fiction (eh yeke? macam biografi aje all those things. lol) but they're lacking the essence that would tug a reader. Some details went amiss, so you can't actually relate that well with the plot. Haha.
Hlovate's writing can be pretty much summed up as a grunge/tomboy-ish girl whose quest for God landed her into finding truth and her struggle in adapting and then, prince charming. I've always thought her books are too ideal. Doesn't stop me from being all smiley with happy endings though. I needed a distraction, remember? Haha.
Nami's book ah. Adalah membincangkan masalah anak-anak muda sekarang. Over exposure to shamelessness. Dan mengikut analisa lemah akulah, bagaimana perempuan boleh jatuh hati dekat lelaki yang pandai menjaga hati. Entah berapa banyak girlfriend entah si Hafiz tu tukar ganti dalam cerita ni. Tapi mengikut logik yang Nami bentang at the quarter end of the novel, aku terpaksa bersetuju. Watak Faizal tu pun aku setuju jugak dengan realitinya. Exactly the kind of guy I hope no woman would ever ever ever have to deal with in their marriage live.
Reality sucks. Tapi kau perlu tahu, supaya kau tak sedih sangat, supaya kau bersabar bila berurusan dengan manusia. Supaya kau tak cepat hukum orang, supaya kau dapat sedar, kepentingan untuk ajak sesiapa pun, tanpa mengira siapa mereka, untuk sama-sama lakukan kebaikan.
I honestly think his content were good, in that it speaks of reality but I hope he finds God in a way that would polish the maturity of the content. That way, when he speaks of reality, and tries to conclude it, it would benefit many party.
Like The Casual Vacancy, I shall allow my children to only read these when I think they are mature enough in that they can read with second and third thoughts. (Where every level of thought would analyse and try to pick up what the previous thought, thought wrongly) Books plant ideas in our head, and if we are not aware of how it's shaping us, it could be dangerous!
Marah tidaklah didefiniskan sebagai merampus, dan menengking sahaja.
Menghempas pintu ke muka orang.
Baling kunci kereta.
Jalan macam gergasi nak runtuhkan rumah.
Senyuman sinis dan jelingan nak membunuh.
Itupun marah juga.
Gila. Itu semua gila.
Dan aku berlindung kepada Tuhan daripada perbuatan-perbuatan itu.
Please let me be a source of happiness and joy to those around me. Please let me be an agent of Your Mercy. Please.
Tonight, it's better to not sleep.
The mind and its thoughts is a dangerous field to frolic right now.
Love and more,
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
1. Think Well of Allah
I'm trying to clear some mess, so I shall be deriving stuffs from the original text. (Please click to read)
There was once, when I kept falling sick, and I automatically went, "tulah, buat banyak dosa lagi, kan dah dapat balasannya". And Syamee told me, it was inappropriate. It was inappropriate to think bad of Allah.
As written in the article, "Unfortunately, when we do this, we attribute human qualities to Allah (swt). We act as if Allah (swt) has some grudge against us that will heal as soon as he punishes us or rejects some of our requests."
"This thought process taught us that we did not really have hope in Him to begin with. Rather, our hope was in what we believed to be our own good deeds or abilities. Once we slip up or feel that we do not have the strength to continue, we do not think well enough of Allah (swt) that He will guide us through."
"Many people give up in the face of something SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE. Sometimes, we give up on individual level: getting married, getting that job we want; sometimes it is on the global level: such as injustice in the Muslim world. The point of the struggle is to realise who is in charge. It is Allah (swt). Allah (swt) has told us that He is as His servant's think of Him. If we think well, then that is what we will find. If we do not, then that is what we will find. Your opinion should be that Allah (swt) is so Merciful that He would come to your aid."
"We DO NOT have a cruel God; our God is the MOST MERCIFUL of those who show Mercy. When we approach our tests with that frame of mind, we cannot but gain from our experience, inshaAllah."
2. Of Kifarah and Tamhee
Link to original article. (Again, do click to read)
The Quran, 3: 140-142
"Here, Allah refers the purpose of hardships as being tamhees. Tamhee is the same word use to describe a heating and purifying of gold. Without heating it up, gold is precious metal - but it's full with impurities. By performing tamhees, a process of heating, the impurities are removed from gold. This is what God also does with the believers. Through hardships, believers are purified - just like gold."
To get close to someone, you got to get to know them.
This applies in the case of knowing our Lord as well I guess?
This kind of truth, does not hurt. :')
Somehow, Taufiq and I are fated with cleaning up the mess that comes with the sugar cane. Once was on Monday, and that, thank God, was made really easy. :D
Then today, it rained so hard that the tree (yes, it has grown so freaking tall) broke and we had to remove the mess. It was made easy as well. :D And that is saying something because, if the sugar cane is fresh, then the leaves would definitely leave splints effortlessly on whatever surface it comes into contact with. Somehow, the handling wasn't so bad.
And we had fun playing in the rain. :)
And we talked of how we do things for others, because we understand what they are like. And it doesn't matter that they can't accept us the way we are. We just decided not to be like them. We prefer happy lives, you see. :P
Harini jumpa a KTT fellow. He was flashing this really friendly smile as if I knew him. XD I think he mistaken me as someone else kot. My KTT days was supposed to be short and not so memorable (at least for others. I keep my wackiness to a certain group of friends). I did tons of things, some are really weird, the surau thing was ridiculous but yeah, glad we got that sorted out in the end.
How I found out he's from KTT? Well, when we wanted to get the certificate of acceptance from MMC, we had to write our details into a book. So I found out his name cause I felt bad not being able to recall a name/face. And I went back and did some stalking. HAHA. That's how I end up thinking he has mistaken me for someone else.
Owh, and I bumped into Aized, at the Shah Alam KTM. And I can't stop thinking of how Thamarai calls him "hero". Lol. If he knew, he has a kipas susah mati.
And then I thought of Prague, and how much I miss that place. :')
Monday, September 02, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
"Nak aku beritahu sesuatu?"
"Whoa. Hold your horses. Dari raut wajah kau, dengan senyum sinis tu, kenapa aku rasa kebenaran ni menyakitkan ya?"
"Well, that's the thing about truth, truth hurts."
"Dan kau nak beritahu pasal kebenaran yang menyakitkan ni sebab... ?"
"Aku rasa kau patut tahu. Sebenarnya..."
Secara automatik, dia mengangkat tangan kanannya, kelima-lima jari disesarkan, seolah-seolah bergerak untuk menghalang daripada terkeluarnya kata-kata yang mampu menjatuhkan lagi semangatnya "KEJAPPPP. Aku rasa, aku pilih untuk tak nak dengar. Or at least, bukan daripada kau. Kalau kau tahu benda ni akan sakitkan aku, then, aku nak dengar daripada orang lain."
"Tapi kau kena tahu benda ni! Biasalah kebenaran, kebenaran menyakitkan."
"Tapi kau dah fikir ke, benda ni akan jadi lebih membantu atau lebih harmful sekarang? Serius aku rasa, aku tak nak tahu. Biar aku cari sendiri. Siapa lagi yang tahu benda ni?"
"L. L tahu."
"Okay, nanti biar aku tanya dia. Aku akan tanya bila perlu."
There are truths you already know, and you could not bear the other party to know that you do know. Simply cause you are not ready to get involved in a mess.
The next time around, help me be less impulsive. Help me calm down. Help me control my tongue. Help me control my anger.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!
Dan kita dalam perjalanan menuju merdeka hakiki.
Beza, dahulu dengan sekarang.
Sekarang kita berganding bahu.
Sekarang kau dan aku sepasukan.
Biar kita menang usaha.
Dari bakat terus sia-sia.
Things which are dear to our hearts, are things we want to protect.
Finally Skyped my Prague chaperons ie ex neighbor.
Alhamdulillah dear God, for sending me Your Mercy through them.
And tonight, lets retrain ourselves, to put the glass down again. :)
All will be well.
Then again, the Jazz that is about to be produced is cheaper in comparison. :/ Even if my heart is with the Fiesta. Ok, lets decide as we test drive them all.
Agak sedih when the first step into becoming an adult is represented with the financial burden. I can get a secondhand car for a far cheaper price, but that will come with the occasional finding-for-parts which I may not be able to spend my time to do.
Owh and tomorrow, tomorrow I shall meet people who are family, but not the blood-related kind. Maybe I can ask their opinion about what's clouding my head. Haha. Oh my tak sabarnyaaaaaaaa
I hope she does well today, I hope she regains her strength. I hope she comes out of this as the best person in His eyes.
Apparently, the best way to steer away from a topic is to talk about cars. :O :O :O
The one thing I can't wait to do once I get my license is, to test drive cars. Ya ya ya yaaaa.
Very very very interested in this.
Yeah, in that colour as well. :D
I'm pushing for Fiesta, Abah said Jazz. Or Preve.
For safety purposes, I don't wanna get a Proton. Walaupun engine bagus sangat niiii.. Haha.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Rupa-rupanya, things such as arranged marriage boleh berlaku in this household.
Harini dapat lecture 4 jam straight. Dari 8 pagi, sampai semua orang dekat kedai makan tu dah blah. Yang tinggal cumalah pak cik mak cik kakak adik yang jaga kedai.
Istigfar dalam keluhan dan renungan jauh dan popping-forehead-vein.
Jangan judge orang yang memberitahu tapi judge apa yang diberitahu.
Susah woiii susah.
Turun masak. Will update later. This is too much for me to hold. T_T
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Regarding Pak Cik N, betullah this time around, I over-thought. Assa!!! Thank God for the enlightenment one mentor-mentee coffee session. He's pursuing this lady in Malaysia. And now, I'm nowhere near where he is. *dance of joy*
Tak mengapa untuk aku rasa bahagia terlepas daripada benda-benda ni. Tak mengapa untuk aku rasa tak selesa. Haha. Buat baik itu harus, namun marilah tidak melampaui batas.
Traveling to Putrajaya today. I hope the journey would be manageable.
He shouldn't be serious all the time.
The day I meet you, everything would be indescribable though. *Le sigh*
The budak-budak and I jammed to this. Of all the songs we could give our all to :P
Hopeless romantic, that, I already know that I am,
Never sleep and cycle.
Almost got hit by a vehicle. A trailer at that. And scraped my knee.
And the tendency to hit the lesion area is somehow increased. And my brother helped with that mission by accidentally hitting it with the edge of a chair. Twice.
Life is a little hectic nowadays, and I'm thankful for that. It means less room for complications. I know how a lot of people prefer to opt to rest before work. Can't say it's the same for me though.
I hope this is not a form of escape.
I learnt that, some people, can't be together for far too long. A period which, will only cause more harm than good. Oh well. The best of things will take place and happen. Live the moment. Put the glass down. It's not your burden to carry :)
What can I do, when what I could offer is very little?
Flo oh Flo. Ok. Simpan duit for the flight to your wedding. Must simpan extra for the brother. Cause Father seems to oppose the idea of my traveling the world on my own. And because of that, last Saturday, for a fraction of moment, I wished I was a boy.
Out of my friends, I know I don't see this girl that often but I'm glad she came over to sleep at my place, my last two nights in Prague. :) She influences me in a good way. And I hope somehow, God gave me the chance to do the same. I really hope to be reunited with her one day. I really do.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
So we met for the final usrah session.
Dan air mata tidak dapat dibendung, mencurah keluar ibarat letusan-letusan kecil. Aku rasa mata ni dah lupa nak menangis macam mana, tu pasal air mata tak mengalir tapi sebaliknya keluar dalam paket-paket kuantum.
Perpisahan kali ini, nampaknya jauh lebih lama daripada perpisahan cuti musim panas kita. Aku nak simpan semua orang dalam poket boleh tak? Kemudian keluarkan satu per satu saat rindu.
Aih. Tak boleh. Itu pentingkan diri namanya.
Tak mengapalah, mari kita terus doa, suatu hari hati-hati yang bertaut mesra, berjumpa lagi. Di sini, mahupun di Sana. Sana kekal abadi. Sana kuharap di Syurga Ilahi.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Billing that comes 3 years late.
Last week, my mind was occupied with some house problems. My landlord gave me a 3 years' worth of electricity bill. Yeay! *sorakan penuh sarcasm*
It's been a while since I had to voice out for justice. Good thing there were friends. I felt cheated weh. I told him what he's doing is crazy. And he tried to reason with me how he was "helping" us. And I told him, I don't get which part of getting-people-into-debt-they-are-unaware-of is "helping" in any way. I told him, even credit card users know just how much they've spent.
*Audrey's slap-your-face may come in handy here*
It is settled Alhamdulillah. :( Penat jugak hal rumah ni. Serius, masa Kirin shifted to Olomouc I didn't want to be "Ketua Rumah". I wished my age would be an advantage, and any one of the two would be it instead. I lack initiative. Malas nak cari pasal. However, if you've asked God to make you a better person, and if you lack initiative, somehow, He'll bring something into your hands, to help you better yourself. Aku rasalah. Tu pasal, nak tak nak, kena lalui juga liku-liku kehidupan yang tak disangka-sangka.
It took a whole week to settle, and that time, Suhaibwebb came out with this article, on how God created the Earth in the period of 6 days. When, He definitely could do it like, pronto. A lesson learnt, is, how things take time. It takes time, so, be patient, and don't worry too much. :) Things take time. Kyaaaa. Thank You, for all these timed reminders. A little gift for the boggled-somewhat-soul. :')
Nak buat bisnes kena rajin. Tu yang Papa Chunk ajar. Agaklah. Hatta nak buat bisnes Agung pun. Nak solat jemaah pun kena rajin menerima ajakan/mengajak. Keuntungan hanya menjadi kejayaan bila kita berusaha mendapatkannya. Angan-angan tiadalah membawa ke mana.
Sila rajin setiap hari.
"Aku tahu, perasaan bukan benda yang boleh dikawal. Tapi, kalau aku dah bagi tahu direct aku tak nak, aku rasa, kau patut terima hakikat untuk go through that patah hati dan lepaskan perasaan-perasaan yang kau pernah wujudkan dalam diri. Jangan bakar perasaan itu dengan angan-angan dan harapan palsu. Nanti merana." Serius nak cakap macam ni.
Tak, aku bukan hot stuff. And I'm also not the kind to give false hope. So I deleted you from my social contact. And one year later, you make an entrance through a different medium. And you're liking all the posts.
Aku harap aku just over-react dan over-think. Tapi kalau perlu, aku tak kan teragak-agak untuk block kau dari medium baru itu. For now, be kind Nora, be kind. :'(
Making people scared won't get you very far,
Thursday, August 15, 2013
At the end, of the istikhara prayer, what we mentioned:
Hurts can't hold you down, as long as you don't regret. Hurts should last a little while though. :)
Sebab masa itulah rasa paling nak "bermanja" dengan Tuhan.
To seek that clarity and comfort and a deeper understanding of trusting His course.
Alhamdulillah, somehow, Ramadhan prepared the heart to think things through. (Whoa my heart can think. lol lol)
Alhamdulillah, cause I learnt that things take time. And time mature an understanding in that it gave room to love more and hurt less. Cause I can filter what not to say, that may influence other's decision, to be bias for my own selfish reasons.
Make me content with what You've ordained me with.
Make us content with what You've ordained us with.
Bagaimana harus bina umat. Kalau kepentingan aku dan engkau tak pernah sama.
Love more, hurt less.
Give less room for the Love of Power, and let the Power of Love win it all.
Dalam erti kata lain, PEACE Y'ALL
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
O Allah, grant this heart peace, for I am at lost right now.
I think I broke my own heart.
Can you make it that it was purely for Your sake.
So that it won't hurt that much?
If this can be cried out, then can you make the crying an easy task?
This is a little too overwhelming. :'(
Sunday, August 11, 2013
It has been running around in my mind for quite sometime. And I'm surprised that the only person I've ever told about this is Jitka. Jitka, the organiser of the fifth and six year students of the faculty. Now that I'm writing it, it'll be known to many I guess.
Public Health, with a specialisation in social care. Not Paediatrics. Not O&G. Not Neonatology. My heart is in that I guess. To be a blessing to the broken hearted. Cause my soul, mind and body lives with the memories of being stretch too much. And I know how hurtful and damaging the effect could be in the beginning. And then God taught me to love myself, by learning to know who I am, from learning to know who He is. It is after the realisation that I can actually learn to really love other things. To unconditionally love.
Because if children grew up without forgiving, then, what would become of the future generation? It is sad to see teenagers being left to live on their own, when, clearly, they need guidance. There is a reason why we all have to go through infancy, toddler, childhood, teenage years and eventually adult. Cause of the growth potential, physically and mentally, that may be best explained by these stages. Circumstances would lead to some being held accountable for bigger things at a much younger age. Hence, being a bit dysfunctional, without proper help.
ps: I asked about abuse cases here in Prague. Very rare. And in Malaysia, well, do read this article. http://www.thesundaily.my/news/793489
Public Health. Not a glamorous job. Tapi when your heart is in it. And you feel like it's a masalah ummah.
I should go for it, kan?
This cost almost 3/4 of a million RM. Dan ia adalah batu loncatan untuk bigger things. Aku harap pilihan ni yang terbaik.
I don't know how many Panadols I've consumed. And the Coldrex. Coffee. 3 big jars of those this semester alone. Red Bull, last drank that for exam in the previous semester. I decided it's only good for sports activity, when I need forced concentration. Not useful for exams, cause you force your brain to fry itself when clearly, it needs rest. Ample of duas. Yang tak ternilai. And on top of it all, Divine Intervention. Walaupun aku agak skeptik dengan term "intervention" sebab God doesn't intervene, He doesn't need to, He motions it ALL.
God made me learnt lots from muallafs. Ghuraba' dalam erti kata sebenar. They are not seasoned by culture and family traditions. They uphold what is written with more ease. As a sign of living in gratitude for His Mercy. They learnt about God and fell in love with Him. And they don't judge, cause they understand very well, that everyone comes from somewhere. Aduhaiii.. bersih sungguh hati-hati kamu.
I hope to be in an institution to be among these people. As a side activity, besides being at the hospital. Surround myself with as many great people as possible, but not leave anyone behind. Cause I hope to have that epic gathering dekat Jannah, with all dear to this heart. :)
Even if it means that I have to call you both separately, I think I'll be ready to let go of whatever ideals I have before. For I want you both to be happy.
Cause whatever happened in life, you both love me. And I must love you, together or not. As a daughter, I need to do at least that much.
I won't have childish hopes, for I can be very unforgiving if I do.
I hope only from Him, and I hope to be prepared to love whatever is given to me.
Oh Allah, make me and the rest, a blessing for them. And please make us among the righteous, and the occupants of your Paradise, and let not the Hell fire touch us.
It'll be hard, so please please instill in us the strength to go on trusting You.
Rasa kuat bila lemah sebagai hamba,