start living

 Bismillah 

Juggling work, exam and restructuring the heart and mind seemed to put some things on hold. At least that is what I thought. Sometimes, you have to give yourself credit for doing what you think is the bare minimal, and start thinking of how the things you do are the maximal effort you can exert for now. Pat yourself in the back, take a breather, and carry on in the right direction. 

-----

Perhaps one of the thought provoking conversations we had in the previous session was, what next? Regardless of what is going to happen, what is next on the to-do-list?

I told you I wanted to start living again. Take a well deserved break. Regardless of the result. 

And so I did. It was a trip of discovering that my physical health has deteriorated (or it might be the altitude and my rush to reach the top). And to find what beauty I thought I missed out on 20 years ago, is just a tiny little piece of land inspired by European architecture. 

i.e. I did not miss much, time and with it, space, has moved on, and so must I. 

-----

What made a whole lot of difference this time is, the fact that I showed up. A majority of the time. 

And I asked for adjustments in my schedule. 

Admitting to family and friends when I am just so darn exhausted. 

-----

One last hurdle to overcome before a major adjustment in responsibilities at work.

Alhamdulillah for where I have been and where I am and where I am going. Make ease. Amin

-----

The next trigger, regardless of the outcome is, how do I plan to start living life again? Outside of the academic rat race? 

*hold hands excitedly like a villain who just got the greatest plans laid out to achieve his far-fetched dreams

-----

Yuroshiku!

window to the unconscious - part i

It was not her usual frilled flower dress, anyone could tell that the garment she had on, was to be celebrated, like she is, on that day. Victorian-inspired, tiered diamond ruffled mint flower dress, one she would have been accustomed to, if it weren't for the choice of colour; only cause she celebrates the melancholic persona she had been portraying, so much that if it were gray or the darker shade of blue, wearing the dress would have made her feel at home. 

Mint coloured her to appear as an innocent, soft, almost vulnerable to some extent, judging by the way she held her right fingers in her left hand, and if you look close enough, how she gently squeezes them intermittently. How could she not? Being sweet and dainty is an occurrence she would like to keep within her private space, which, at the moment projects no further than her pericardium, the thin lining of her heart. 

Oh, she was once sweet and dainty, something she was nurtured to do to avoid the scorn of her elders when she was young, which pathologically evolved into people pleasing and her eventually learning the hard way, after being manipulated by her genteel acquaintances (who really were, the worst of evil), for their personal gains. So she learnt instead to have trust issues. 

With almost all eyes on her, majority of which were unknown, vulnerable is an understatement. Overwhelmed but with very little time and space to work with, she decided to be an impostor, keeping her confusion at bay, and puts on her professional mask of being approachable. 

It was the day of her wedding after all. 

-----

That is it for today, until the next episode. 

I once wrote about an alchemist who served dragons. 

And I lost the text. 

I just remembered the feeling of accomplishment for finishing the chapter. 

It has been a while, but I am glad to be able to have fun typing things down today. 

Alhamdulillah ^_^

can a heart be so readily moved?

 Bismillah

I'm deeply rooted

In being stationary 

Storms and quakes

Failed to uproot me

My heart hurts

My body wary

Do I rot

Before I can break free?

Do I tear

Limb by limb

Just to be?

I am of higher purpose

Before I am me

Nudge me

So I move

Closer towards You

Stuck but,

I really wish to run

Towards Your eternity

Nora

-----

Times are a bit rough. 

Finding a balance between embracing who I am and also catching up on studies. 

Between forgiving myself and reminiscing on the abundance of regrets that I have. 

Between celebrating my wins and rectifying my mistakes. 

The bad guys always seem to win. 

Or are they really the bad guys?

I wish I could talk it out but maybe, I am far too embarrassed. 

I wish I could cry it out, but I may have forgotten how. 

I do this masking game too well. 

-----

If I were rich, I'd take a break from work. 

For a month or two. 

It is just too tiring right now. 

one day at a time

 Bismillah

The reason why we need to learn from mistakes, is because, mistakes come with repercussions. 

And every time we make the same mistake, they would add up. 

Until one day, it becomes too much to bear.

And we become too ashamed to ask for help. 

It would ear us up, drain us, until we are left with very little of ourselves, to recover. 

We ended up exhausting our mind, body and soul, just to climb out of the shithole we so nonchalantly created. 

-----

Even if you are halfway climbing, just keep moving. 

Even a little. 

It is going to take a while. 

A habit of many years, cannot be erased in one night. 

-----

You sometimes need to hit rockbottom. 

Just so you can see, the many ways out. 

Just so the road you used to hate to take, becomes a welcoming friend today. 

-----

When I saw them welcoming the refuges today, I wish I was also there to help. 

I wish I were rich enough to be able to do more. 

-----

You'll get there. 

One day at a time. 

Nora

juicy

 Bismillah

Hallo summer fruits! Watermelons are nice but seeing the price of peaches and cherries slightly cheaper than other months of the year is just awesome! A treat I find myself and Mama looking forward to yearly. 

Managed to get a long enough weekend for a staycation with the family. I did not know they were going to block some main roads in Key Ell for the coronation. Thank God we were walking distance from groceries and really nice meals. It was Min's birthday. Me, Mama and Hana were browsing stores and decided to buy her some fancy-reasonably-priced spices, 8 bottles of them. Afia wrote her a card, and we framed the artwork of Afia, Ali together with a cute polaroid of them. And we managed to keep it a secret for a day. Even the bag where we put all her presents were intricately decorated by me and Afia. 

We got to know Afia and Ali LOVE hummus. And ramen with chicken broth is something Afia actually likes. I knew she liked ramen before, but apparently she only eats them when I buy them, cause Min cooks and ramen is prolly not in her list of meals she regularly prepares. 

I regretted not being able to join the fun swimming session. Being 2 years old did not stopped Ali from repeatedly jumping into the pool (wearing the float jacket). Maybe cause the Iranian auntie sunbathing was cheering him on as well. Looks like he definitely will come over to my place the next time they are in Klang Valley. I do not fancy swimming alone. Though I probably should, my joints are so stiff T_T

-----

I am back on track with the final exam preparations. It is sometimes scary to think that the more I read, the more I don't know. And that is how life is right now. The more I open my eyes to what the world has to offer, more uncertainties pop out. And it is so easy to get sidetracked.

I guess in times like this, it is best to have an anchor. To keep me grounded. To have a purpose. And praying that every step that I take, will be blessed. 

-----

More than anything, I really hope what I do pleases God. 

Nora

gone

 Bismillah

The news of people leaving, so soon, has been the theme this month. 

Out of those whom departed, the first is still surreal to me. Being married to a healthcare personnel could not prevent the inevitable. I shudder to think that a death so sudden could happen to just about anyone. Felt like only yesterday that he taught us to fine-tune our ultrasound skills for regional anaesthesia, making sure our caffeine needs are fixed and always encouraging teamwork and celebrating our wins and losses. Here and there I still hear stories of him, the not-so-small projects in his name, to a future of better healthcare. And he won't be around to see it. Life goes on. 

The second one I managed to work with, always the helpful hand, and not awkward when it comes to advising people on the right things to do. (All the nurses in WCH are trained by the best, and I appreciate this quality about them, making the knowledge theirs, and having the guts to educate others involved in the care of the patients). Your voice can no longer be heard, yet the grief or your loss is so dense in the air, I can feel how much you are missed. And yet, life goes on. 

The most recent, is one I held, and am still, holding, dear to my heart. One of my favourite person, I would say. A lot of it has got to do with the fact that, he acknowledges the good that others do. Life doesn't suck as bad when we hang out. So I was glad we got to hang out, even if it were the premises of CRW and IJN. I still recall the sadness in your eyes, when you thought of the bad things you may have done, and how we went, that is for God to know and for us to seek forgiveness from. Maybe cause I always want to see you in a good light. I so hate people whom bring out our weaknesses and parade them in front of others. If God has forgiven one, then those sin-mongers should ask for forgiveness for doing so. And I remember how you voiced out your concern about how your children never went through hardships, and me telling you how we are all tested differently. And the sigh of relief when you knew how your children and nieces and nephews share their concerns in life between themselves. I hope you knew then, that all the things you have done, to not make us feel alone, well, we hope you are never alone too. Thank you for letting me and my siblings know that you see the good in us. I see so much good in you that, I hope, as you wait for the Hereafter, your sins are forgiven, your soul is at peace and where your body resides now, is a comfortable place for you. In your final days, it felt my life was on hold. Even on your funeral, I was on call, yet I knew I had to join the prayers, the burial. Things were made easy that day, Alhamdulillah. My colleagues taking my referrals, the epidurals were not complicated, and the most unstable patient was able to be resuscitated well to be discharged to the general ward. EW shared the news of a pregnancy. Dragon baby! And so, life goes on. 

-----

Times were tough, and I berated myself for not being able to do things I wanted to do. And again, it became a vicious cycle of self-loathing. 

Which lead me to Googling the emotional wheel after so long. 

And got me into thinking about how, I do not regret spending my time to talk to my uncle during his last few days on this Earth. I hope I was kind to him, like how he always have been to me. And I really do hope to see him in Jannah, and that I am blessed enough to be granted that. 

And Jean (my CP) told me that, when you are at the lowest point in your life, just do the basics. Eat, sleep, dishes, laundry. And do what you can, at that. And it is okay, really.

-----

I always wish you well. 

Nora

ratatata

Bismillah 

One should not take so many stimulants in one go. For one is no longer young. And the wear and tear of the internal organs will make any increase in workload a dangerous place to venture into. 

This morning, I regretted that Red Bull and coffee. It took 4 hours for the palpitations to subside. Taking mental note on that. 

It has been so long since I needed to concentrate so bad. And it sucks cause it did not work anyway. I was too overwhelmed with the bounding pulsation of my heartbeat. 

It does not feel like butterflies. It felt like a stampede in Jumanji. 

 Heading to work. 

 On public transport. 

Cause no way am I driving. 

 ------ 

 It has been many years, and I still decided to learn the unconventional way. 

 Yes, celebrate this none the less, love. 

 12 lead ECG stat! Please, and thanks. 

And today I wonder if, we still mind our Ps and Qs, even as we give orders to others. 

We should probably continue being nice. 

It is never out of style.