I am in love with a person so wonderfully kind. At times I wished I was noticed but most of all, I wish you peace and happiness and that you be closer to God. I wish for you, a place in His Heavens. Besides prayers, I am just too scared to go to you.
They got stuck,
Somewhere between
My heart and my lips.
Or sometimes,
Tears welled
Then endlessly fell.
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I met a cat today, it looked so much in pain.
I can see that it was weak.
And it is trying hard to keep up.
With whatever struggle it was in.
The cat treats did not seem to work.
Even as I offer them out of my hands.
I noticed then, it was ?crying.
And stroked the cat, hoping somehow, there was comfort in that.
I turned away to wash my hands.
And when I looked back, you were not there anymore.
We had a cat once, and the only time it disappeared, it left us forever.
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I was brought to reminisce a mission I held dear, that is, to make a little good in the lives that I have met. I hope when I die, there are no bad thoughts of me. I hope when I die, people would pray for my well being in the Hereafter, when they think of me. I dare not ask for more, even if my heart longs for it.
It is tiring, to comfort everyone. It is tiring to tell every single person that there is nothing left to be done, and how like you are deeply rooted in your persona, my dear, so is everybody else, so stop telling me about others being themselves.
Do yourself a favour, and start changing your delusional thoughts of people trying to get at you. Arghhh.
And I cannot say all this out loud cause I know it will hurt your pride so much and bridges will burn.
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I sometimes wish I could break much easily, then maybe I can shut off all these noises.
Too strong? Or simply too numbed to feel.
I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
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Thanks for trusting me so much to have told me things though.
I wish I could trust someone enough.
But of course, that is too much to ask.
What I have
Was never mine to begin with
If I were borrowed
I would want me back
In a state
Where I know
I have been used well
That I have served my purpose
And I have done so
Righteously
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Today is a day, to be grateful for my brain, to be grateful for my ATPs, to be grateful for my heart, to be grateful that I have lived again.
I cannot afford to love you, so I am keeping a distance. Whilst hoping the broad difference in latitude between us, may wean me off catching glimpses of you. It was not short, the meeting we had, I am afraid we have gotten use to having each other around. However, as much as I think, I have shamelessly walked closer, it felt like I am in fact, only running further.
I am afraid. Cause feelings such as this, has made me forget who I am before, suppose that happens again? Though in that small little chamber in my heart I hope, this time it would be different.
On the other hand, I am glad I admire kindness, discipline and responsibility this time around.
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Long weekend
Time to digest the protocol. Hope to be done by next Thursday. Here we go!
I try to keep my cool
A facade
To keep you from reading
And
At the end of the day
I wonder if I am a fool
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I have so many insecurities, that I fail to be vulnerable. If I hesitate, it is because I am not ready, but if I do try, then, encourage me. God knows how many mountains I had to climb to utter those words.
It is selfish, to ask to be understood, when you do not explain yourself well.
So I will keep it to myself and God. And continue smiling at everyone around me. Even if it suffocate at times.
And I must not lose faith along the way. Or get impulsive and break.
I am glad to have deleted a sappy depressing post. Had promised myself to give off "good vibes only" (a desperate attempt to reclaim my heart and soul again).
God gave me a few more reasons to continue living, and I better make use of those opportunities, cause I see no reason not to. Alhamdulillah.
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Found happiness today when I met my uncle. We kinda meet up on a yearly basis, now that I'm far from home. And I learnt a thing or two from him today. Such a strong person he is. Alhamdulillah.
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I am watching a drama. Needed to learn to be a bit human. And how to build more sturdy bridges. And be more courageous, to probably put a window on this walls I have erected so well. See what is on the other side. Before climbing over and taking the jump. What a complicated life to live, one might say but hey, it might work for me. The alternatives are just too much for me to hold. Haha.
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Have a blessed Eid, and here's to moving forward! (You may choose which path to go)
Today marks the day when I almost lost a pillar of support. I almost died (an exaggeration). But I did end up saying some hurtful things, cause it scared the hell out of me. We talked it out later, and all is well for now. But I must be more cautious cause this smells a lot like a development of a plot, for whose benefit, wallahualam (only God knows).
And I thank God today, for two friends whom I now hold dearly. Both of them, reminding me about the important things in life, to be kind, to be knowledgable, to be wise, to not be swayed from the worldly view of beauty. And I appreciate that a lot. Cause maybe, for a long while there, I have forgotten what it is like to truly live. And I wasted so much time, money and effort, on things that don't matter. Yikes.
Ramadhan is ending, and I hope the prayers will continue till the next one. God knows just how many lovely requests were answered. And I hope you continue to have faith and pray like it is Ramadhan every day. The month may not be here, but, He is the same God, whenever, wherever you are.
So I tried finding peace in writing one day, like how it has helped me cope all this while, but all I ended up concocting was a wreck, and a reflection of how much of a failure I am. My idea of a physical journal, is, a very personal space, which I would rather watch burn then let anyone invade and flips through them.
I knew I needed help, so I shared a bit of what I wrote to a friend, and I am writing here today, just to remind myself, that people do not really give a shit. Haha.
I am writing here today, to tell myself, to be a bit more selfish. To be more picky when it comes to friends. Let go of those whom use me just as a means to have conversations with others. And befriend those whom I could truly connect and share my future with.
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And I will still try, somehow, to love everything. It seems flawed, but that is how I get by.
We had a session yesterday, on Safe Surgery, Saves Lives. Good thing too, in that everyone (I assume, all of us managed to stay awake! Ha!) now has a general idea as to why, it is so important to have an effective communication in carrying out a procedure in the operating theater.
There was a session at the end, where we were given scenarios, to act out, by applying what was learnt during the program, and it kinda humbled me how my boss, voluntarily took up the role of a scrub nurse, as many of us were reluctant to do so (the act of instrument counts is challenging to those with zero exposure to the operating room environment). And because of that, I think I might have developed the courage to give my best shot at acting. When your boss is giving her all to master the art of swab and instrument counting, you too, have that desire to not disappoint the group, and give your best stage of being an imported neurosurgeon from India (no relation whatsoever to the living, dead and undead).
I am glad a lot of us had a good laugh. Even if I did went out of my way to do it (my character in the role play is much more famous than my real identity as of now). Tomorrow is Monday, which means, back to business. And training to become the calmest, smartest, coolest anesthesiology officer in the operating complex. (inshaAllah)
So back to smarting myself up now.
Or maybe catch up on that sleep. Hee.
Some friends said it is because I am too smart.
And I dare not say it is the truth, nor can I deny a part of it.
Apparently, it is the reason why finding a partner is so hard, especially when the people I mix with is of my own kind. Time is ticking, and it kinda irks me a little, but I guess, it is better to wait till I find someone whom could appreciate what I am. And encourage and support me, likewise I, him.
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Dearest future companion, I hope you are well and I hope you are striving to be better everyday. I try too, as well. And I do so, because I need to be accountable to my patients, and I need to be a good doctor. I have made a pledge to serve God by serving humanity, in this field I have chosen. I cannot imagine the emptiness, of leaving this service.
Lets reach our goals, and along the way if we meet up, then lets reach them together.
A lot of us, were drawn to the book, and the wonders it brought us. (But of course, books of imagination tend to frustrate those without).
Finally got a weekend to watch the movie. And it was a lovely trip. It made me realised how I was taking things for granted. How I have forced myself to fit in, that I forgot how to be me. And how life is dull and uninteresting, only because I was too lazy to self actualise and recall who I was.
It is too early to say that I have found peace in my pieces of wrecked plans and runaway dreams, but I guess the goals now deserve a makeover, a neneknora-ish one.
Nah, belanja-ing a karaoke session. Cause I just found a way to clear my throat. Rrrrrrr
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1. Jannatul Firdaus.
2. Beneficial writer.
3. Awesome doctor.
4. A supportive life companion.
5. Shelter home contributor.
Because it is easier, when you begin with the end in mind.
When someone is sent to you, to show you how to be merciful, then thank God you have been met in this world.
Because that way, you get to see how the world brightens up a little when they are around, and how your heart becomes lighter, at the thoughts of being assigned to work with them. And you directly visualised, how the workplace, can, indeed, be a better place!
Not many can be so passionate and calm at the same time. I hope I too, would develop those soon. Heres to embracing a new adventure,
For days you feel sick
For nights you can not sleep
Afraid, afraid
Of the you, you tried to hide
But these voices, these choices
They are mine and mine alone
And yet, it is not me
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Sometimes in life, you need to know that, you are not the only one battling a problem. I know it sounds bad, to hear that somebody else screwed up too, but there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone, even if the battle is one you have to face against the man in the mirror.
For I am, but a weak creation. And I fall so easily.
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And I have decided to take the path of an anesthetist, after a long consideration. I can not, for the part of me, not accept, to proceed with the career unless I have mastered the art of resuscitation. And I hope the journey I have chosen will be fruitful and make me a better person than I was yesterday. (which means, a lot of studying and asking and hands on, the latter which, Alhamdulillah, I have been given a lot of chances to do).
And I hope to do excellent.
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And circumstances lead me to rediscover my little hobbies again.
Dancing.
Definitely better than wallowing in misery dan melayan perasaan (to think I let myself do that before this. Pfft!)
