Friday, March 29, 2013

face down in a plate of nachos


Face down in a plate of nachos,
The chips are pointy, the sauce is hot.

Click the Italic font to listen to the song.

Honestly, was soooo tired yesterday, and also happy in many ways.
I made another library card (Klementinum!) so now I shall be able to spend more time studying with Syamee and Thamarai. :)

And I spent an afternoon "exchanging information" with Flo. We seem to be going through the same thing, though the progression differs. Alhamdulillah, we have a lot of similarities, so even if my train of thoughts is somewhat different than others, she's one of the very little few who could be totally understanding about it. I found out today that the entries for our journal (not this blog. A journal is more personal and emotional you see :P) is about the same at this time of the year.

And I got a coin purse from her, and it was funny cause, she wrapped it so that the wrapper looks like a cat. And she told me, "It's like inception, go ahead, open it". The coin purse was in the shape of a cat! :P And we made cat puns. (Someone decided to not return my favourite and only coin purse (after a few reminders!) so I'm so happy now that I have a substitute, about time I give up asking from the borrower.)

And Syamee has substituted the belt she lost! :D With a gold-ish one. Which matches with my magenta dress. Hihi. Sungguh bahagia begini. :)


Studying drains a lil' more than I thought it would, that's where the tired comes from.
I know fully well however, I should keep myself occupied with other activities as well, to maintain my sanity :P

Inikah maksudnya untuk berada di tahun terakhir?
Tahun di mana rasa bersalah nak berehat, tetapi gembira sebab masa diisi dengan benda-benda bermanfaat?


My brother gave me a song on being grateful. :)

With that,
Love always,


Monday, March 25, 2013

on my way to believing


If I don't read, if I don't learn, if I don't seek knowledge, then, I have to surrender myself to self-chosen ignorance.

Alhamdulillah, to have given me the opportunity to learn about people, in general. On personalities, on accepting the fact that people, including me, are the products of nature and nurture, hence, take it easy, and try to understand.

Seek the innocent.
It's hard to forgive when we have a thinking that goes around "this person is doing me harm" but it makes you shut up and perhaps give a little room for someone to make mistake, when you listen to them and try to look into what made them that way.
It gives less room for anger, more for love.
And to a dear someone, I'm very sorry for what you have gone through, I hope one day you'll be vulnerable enough to talk it out and I hope He'll gift you with a forgiving, loving soul. :) Till that day, regardless, we aim to be by your side and continue loving you, however cheesy that may sound :P


Anak yatim anak mulia.

Out of all the happenings in the previous week, the visit to Detsky Domov Zatec was by far the most precious. Needless to say, many of us who went there, felt the same way. I think we all benefited more from the program than they did.

The children there were either true orphans or were there due to court orders, in cases where the parents aren't able to care for the child, do not want to care for the child, or do not know how to. A good way to put it, seeing as, if parents are abusing or neglecting their children, how are they parents?

The children are placed in small "families" which consists of 6-8 children, with an adult to be a parent in each family. And siblings are placed together in the same family unit. They cook, clean, do the laundry and function like how a normal family would. And this is saying something, as how most of them come from dysfunctional families.

And to be honest, I think they may have survived the cruel reality better than I did. :) They're so cheerful, helpful and they simply LOVE TO SHARE! They go around giving us chocolates and whatnots! And not the ones we gave them either, it's from their personal vaults! And when you tell them it's okay, they would insist you take it! It's true then, when people say, that, the less you have, the more you give.

They're simply the best at practicing to be grateful with what they have (dan ramai antara kita tak lari daripada kufur nikmat. O Allah, forgive me). And these institutions, won't work out if it weren't for dedicated people who run the place, and I have to say I'm impressed with Lenka. Heart of gold. She was emphasising how what the kids truly need is people to come visit and spend time with them. I couldn't agree less. It was never about the money. (Well, at first, it's the money, but money can be classified as a small sacrifice, compared to energy and time and emotion, which not many would come out of their comfort zone to give). And then, there's also her son, in the same line of work :) Together, they're totally adorbs! Though I have to admit, I thought he was a lil' high :P Was singing David Bowie's Heroes whilst origami-ing. Repeatedly. lols.

You know what, maybe I'll make random visits to this place. I was a lil' disappointed cause I wasn't able to be a facilitator :P I would have been in closer contact with the children otherwise. However, I was so delighted cause in the end, Kristyna smiled and allowed me to hug her. And she hugged me back! :')
She and her siblings are only 3 weeks into the program, so they were very shy and quiet. They are there under court orders, because their parents fail to care for them, so the eldest, had to care for the rest. You definitely know that someone had a though time from the look in their face, like the burden of the world is on their shoulder. And it was heart shattering to find that look on their faces. I hope time would heal them, I hope like the rest, they too, would have room for love and forgiveness.

Now that I think of it, we had a few bonding sessions, maybe that was why she returned the hug >.< Alhamdulillah, for me, the hug was very rewarding. :) The balloon incident. At first, I think Halenka was helping us blow the balloon, cause Dasuki said unlike the rest, she only takes the balloon to help, not for herself. (The other kids were quite mischievous! I was telling everyone potrebujume to pozde. Haha.) Then Kristyna came and asked for one, saying that she wants to blow the balloon so I gave her one, but she was unable to do it, poor thing. I emptied my half blown one, now that it's stretched, and gave it to her instead. Her face grew red but she gave her all and she managed in the end ^^ Felt like a proud parent back then!

(For my personal record: she came to me to ask whether she could try popping balloons - we had a balloon popping team-building game for them in the afternoon. She also asked for my nametag. :) Uwaa.. rasa nak ambil anak angkat jer. Angkat anak orang bawak balik rumah. Haha. Anak orang pun dah buat diary camni, can't imagine how I'd be with my own children. :O Oh myyyyy.. Hahaha)

I said I was only a little disappointed, because I was very grateful to be a spectator. That gave me room to look at people without them realising. It gave me room to zone out and zone in. A space to learn, even if a little, about striving, regardless the circumstance. That gave me room to appreciate what is in the there and then.

I have so much to learn. This is the final year and despite my vows to not have too many connections, I think I'll have to prepare myself for a MAJOR HEARTBREAK by the end of the study. Owh, I'll definitely miss Prague, it's the place I've stayed the longest in, in my life, ever.

Thanks to the organiser and participants, to the photographers, to Lenka and staff, to the lovely children, to sponsors. May Allah bless our deeds, and may Allah bless each and everyone involved in the program. I hope to be of assistance again iA



And what I'm leading myself to believing is that, things are not that bad at all.

And on the day I have a spouse of my own, I hope he'll agree with adoption. :) Kekeke.

And I pray Allah eases what is best. :)

Sunday, March 24, 2013



I would like to thank God, and all the people involved in the previous week. 
Physically exhausting - slept on the bus 3 times this week (my back kinda hurt from that :P), went out of Prague twice, cut down my sleep hours. 
However, it was worth it. 

And thank God these all came now and not later. Wouldn't be able to join those activities otherwise! 

Chronologically the past week:

Wednesday: Teddy Bear Hospital with IFMSA

 Meet John Teddy Junior

With Tulia and Emma

Thursday: Revisiting ze history of Sisi
Goede dag. Welkom bij Schonbrunn. 

Persian Beef Kebab. The rice was so so fine. Gotta learn how to cook that!

Saturday: štěstí pro děti at Zatec
Warming up 

Part of us :)

Maybe I should rename this post to "more later, part 2". It has been such a lovely week that I don't think I'm doing justice by giving just a gist of what happened XD 

However, I most prolly will have to assist in the OT tomorrow and I need to be in the hospital early this week. So, till next time :D


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

more later


Did you know, we managed to berkelas memasak beriyani last Saturday! Woo hoo! :D

Thank God we did.

I've been keeping the packet of Basmathi and Ghee for far too long.
At first, Thams wasn't going to come, and being the person I am, I told her it was okay (but my face cannot hide the disappointment) and when I told Syamee, she went aaaw.. Cause deep inside, we knew it wouldn't work without the Master. :P Kekeke

I actually got back from the library a lil' while ago and tonight we're meeting an ObGyn specialist for dinner. :D So, I'll update the recipe later :)

And because the blog has been very word-ish lately, please enjoy these teaser photos :D


Owh and about the I-am-very-bad-at-hiding-my-inner-feel, I think I gotta do something about it. Maybe I shouldn't be smiling all the time, so that people won't be quick to recognise exactly when I have a problem. Haha. Nah, too complicated.

And then I realise that I'm awkward around people whom I think intimidate (?) me. And I would feel bad post incident, cause that's so lah not me. Hahaha. The act of peace-giving (beri salam) should come effortlessly.

I am mostly harmless.
(Or rather, I prefer harming myself than harming others)

Ok, peace y'all ^^

day off


There are days, in the life of a woman, she'd rather sleep all day.
I think yesterday was supposed to be mine but I had lessons and had to drop by the library so I got home really exhausted and I took a nap to realise I actually went into deep sleep.

And now I'm up but I think I won't find difficulty falling asleep again.

I didn't reach my studying goal for today but it's okay. I musta have needed that sleep desperately.

And again, I bid goodnight.

Monday, March 18, 2013



In my mind, when I think of them, we are still the Westlife loving, grasshopper hunting children.

We passed around this hard cover pink book, with silly imaginative stories of us. (Maybe that was where my passion in story writing started, though I have to admit, the plot was out of this world. :) We were after all, young and carefree).

I know we're 20+ now, but Siti Aisyah Nadiah, when I got news of your late father, I really meant to give you a warm tight comfy hug. And Mazlin too, when her pillar of support left her. I wish I could take you guys to the field behind the school, where we just lepaked for the sake of spending time together. Not sure if you guys remember but, we skipped classes when I told you guys that I was moving to Ipoh. I was so frustrated at that time. And you guys, together with Eizzah, Fera, Zetty convinced me to have a happy final day in school. :) 

How I wish to be there like how you've been there for me. I hope it's not too late to rekindle our sweet relationship. I love you, and I hope you'll come out of this strong. I hope we'll always pray for our parents, no matter where they are. 

Siti's father passed away last Thursday, Al Fatihah to Pak Cik Hasdi. 

Friday, March 15, 2013



I can't help but compare us with the Bennets. It sorta explained, why it has to be three of us. Why we had to be so different from each other.

I'm so glad we've got the internet. Cause even if I were to allow myself to be drifted away by my emo states, somehow, a message would come through asking if I was fine.

Thank you Allah, for my lovely lovely sisters.

I don't know how I would function without them. Well, I probably could, but life would be a lonesome lonesome journey. ;)



Did you know, that gamophobia is not the same as fear of commitment?


Things are starting to make sense a little.


Owh and tomorrow, as a post paeds exam celebration, Thamarai is coming over to teach me and Syamee how to make a proper Beriyani. :D


And we've started the library routine again. :) Deffo should try to keep my butt glued to the chair for as long as possible. And thank God the house is 3 minutes away, praying at home won't be a problem~ Woo hoo!!!

And for future reference, Schwartz' Principles of Surgery is the best surgery book by far (for me). :D

no longer


I won't let "that" define me.


There're so many things to be grateful about.


Monday, March 11, 2013



A perfect movie to capture the mood right now, is the one below. However, I don't think it's wise to cry on weekdays XD Haha.

So long you've been running in circles,
'Round what's at stake,
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place.
You wanna reach out,
You wanna give in,
Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend,
You wish you could find something warm,
'Cause you're shivering cold. 

Being stationary doesn't define me but honestly, lately, it's comforting. :')

I'm wondering why it hurts so much. Then, a tweet from Yasmin Mogahed went something like this, "Purification causes pain. Resisting purification causes suffering".

I'm at a very vulnerable stage, I'm aware of that. And I find myself running everywhere, I have to yet find a midpoint.

Anyway, I gotta be more aware with my state of being. >.<
Cause I think it's unwise to cause harm to others, and I know, expecting others to understand is asking too much. In the end, what comforts most is that, He is the only one I could truly rely on.

What scares me is that, most of the times, I do not seriously seek His help at first. Forgive me O Allah. :( Haih~ Manusia manusia.

Through all this, I hope to forgive, I hope to get closer to You and not the other way round. Cause that would be dreadful.

Sebab semua orang pun ada kelemahan masing-masing. Dan semua orang tak lari daripada berbuat kesalahan. Kau pun macam tu juga. Dan kebahagiaan itu, puncaknya apabila kau tidak bersedih atas apa yang berlalu, dan tidak serabutkan fikiran kau dengan kebimbangan terhadap masa depan. Yang dihitung itu, apa yang kau kerjakan sekarang! :)


Ok lets get back to work yaw~

Missing but surviving,

P/S: No, I'm not hurt by a BGR.

Friday, March 08, 2013

not nice?


"Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous".

Even if in my humble opinion it seems like a flaw, I gotta keep in mind that He has a greater plan. One a simple mind like mine can't fathom, not just yet. :)

That's why it's okay really.


And say Alhamdulillah~

(sesungguhnya, syukur dan sabar itu adalah pasangan paling bahagia)


The OT.

Did you know, that perhaps the most important part of the surgery to the patient is the number of external stitches they end up having? Hee.. Comel aje when the doctor said that, out of all the sutures, make sure your loveliest one is the one on the outside.

He said, the bigger the surgeon (:P), the bigger the opening, the more the external stitches, the more serious the disease, in the mind of the patient.

It's true in a way.

And, I gotta stop having syncope attacks man. My hands itches to suture but my body doesn't survive the assisting. Cikgu, stop using my retractor pulling hands as an armrest please. :( I think I would make it just fine otherwise.



Orang cakap kalau orang tu ambil lauk dulu sebelum ambil nasi, maksudnya orang tu senang dipujuk.

Actually Abah yang cakap, because to avoid fighting dekat meja makan, I take the side dishes before scooping the rice. Then he said "awak ni, senang dipujuk".

Walaupun aku tak faham sampai sekarang, tapi part senang dipujuk tu ada kebenarannya. Haha. Aku tak tahu ini kebaikan ke kelemahan.


4 lagi

Alhamdulillah, passed my Paeds exam :) It was quite frightening cause the preparation period was short, and the reading never seems to find an end!

I'd encourage all the clinical year students to not skip lectures. We are, at an age where memorising isn't as easy but, on the other hand, our understanding has developed further. So, go to the lectures, learn from the experienced, and the studying part won't be as hard as doing it alone, on your own.

Surgery, Internal Medicine, Obstetrics & Gynaecology, and A&E. Before the scroll. Before the big responsibility.


too much


I wonder if this test was meant to tell me to not get attached to people.
Or was it for me to not get attached to circumstances?

Right now, I don't know any way to apologise, cause I fail to see what I did wrong (if I did).

It's all messed up.

And I feel wretched. The thoughts you never knew (and perhaps never will know) about flashes way too frequently lately. And everything seems more clearly defined, more illuminated.

There was once, this has happened, and that's when I first realise the power of the subconscious. Things I thought were suppressed, in actual fact were haunting me. Lurching in the shadows, waiting for someone or something to read between the lines.

"It's okay actually", a mantra I got used to.
However, I can't lie and say it's okay, when I go to bed soaking tears, bearing a headache to class.

This scares me a whole lot actually. :'(


My heart and soul is more forgiving than my brain. Perhaps I should let them do the dictating.

It's okay if you choose to not care about me.

At least I'm convincing myself that it's okay.

Saturday, March 02, 2013

mutual weirdness


It's Dr Seuss' birthday today.

Honestly, if ever someone ask for recommendations for their children/younger siblings, I'd recommend Dr Seuss' books.

Our first copy was "The Cat in The Hat" and what I learnt from that when I was young, is that, you can make a mess in the house, so long as you clean up. :D Hihihi. Sadly, after the birth of my brothers, that book, was also lead to the same fate as the other books. Don't ask, it was, a very sad ending. :( Tsk tsk.

Baguslah korang dah besar sekarang dan pandai menghargai buku dan rajin membaca, terima kasih Tuhan.

And my personal favourite is actually "Oh, The Places You Will Go". And I'm glad I gave that copy to a special someone. :)

Anyway, to share a quote from Dr Seuss today,

We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

Because, one fine day, a friend asked me: "Am I weird?" and I told her, "No, your normal". And another friend said "You shouldn't ask her, she's weird, of course she'll say you're normal".

Weird, kan?


jangan berhenti


Tahu tak, mesti tak tahu kan? :P

Sesungguhnya my kepala pusing right now. :P It has been wandering aimlessly. Aiyark. So paiseh.

Today, I'm thankful cause I have a blog. When studying (or working) away from home, and in a situation where your housemates are under the same pressure, you gotta find a way to train to motivate yourself.

And at times of stress, it's hard to think of all the happy good things. Difficult to bring your mind back from wandering as well :P

I read previous entries which depicts some calmer situations I had been in, and that helped in calming the nerves a little. Hihihi.

MasyaAllah, say Alhamdulillah everybody! :D :D :D

Pengajaran untuk hari ini: jangan tamak, nanti yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.
Too much food on your plate would cause phrenic irritation and hyperalimentary obesity, so, please, do what is within your means. Don't leave it all out though, then you would miss all the nutrition it brings. :)
Pastikan jelas dengan niat dan berusaha dengan attitud yang betul. (direct translation habis! lols.)


Today, I was reminded that my time here in Prague is almost up. And some things came flashing through my mind on the many things I should do before I leave this lovely lovely place.

Yup, it's never too late to be proactive and productive. ^^


Owh and The Lizzie Bennet diaries is an interesting Vlog piece. :P Cumanya, sekarang masa tidak mengizinkan. Lols.

Mari belajar everybody!!!