Friday, April 24, 2015



I read something regarding the skeleton in my closet. Boy, how I wish it were easy to let go of.

If feels like it is the only thing that is holding me back in life.

My only form of radical effort now is to work hard.

And You are telling me to be more earnest, are You not?

Save me from myself,
I really don't want to end up in hellfire.

Ouch. :'(

Thursday, March 19, 2015

books I want children to read


Their journal

Dr Seuss
Roald Dahl
Enid Blyton
Comics: Prophetic Behaviour
Neil Gaiman

7 Habits - start of with Children/Teen Version
Help Me Be Good Series
Why Things Happen - according to inclination

Terry Pratchett
How to Kill a Mockingbird
Hunger Games Series

List will be updated.
I owe myself lots of non fiction by the looks of it. Haha!

The main aim however is to teach children how to read with their heart. So that they are able to differentiate the good and the bad. And make a comparison of the whats real and not. And then extract all those lovely values, and the importance of understanding the different perspective an author and their characters would have. Then somehow, make them realise their value, principle and belief.

:) owh the joy of reading!

Sunday, February 22, 2015



I was asked why I still have the drive. And it is a question that doesn't surprise me. I have, like my colleagues been in that state where I thought just about anything is better than being a houseman. Haha.

Maybe with time, I realised that while ideal living was never something achievable, the only way I will get through this claimed suffering, as a better person, is by turning all the mess into a tool. And my, how much that change of perspective has helped me cope.

I have work at hand, but my job requires communication. And if I could, during rounds smile encouragingly at my patients. And on days when I can entertain their requests of buying credits for them to contact family members, then I would.

I used to dream of being great things, but He taught me to start small. Cause all great things must bud from somewhere. And to be consistent at doing small things, He said He rewards those more, yes?

What kept me going, was rather my keeping my dreams locked away, so that I could focus on what I can do in the now. And to be able to realise that, was Alhamdulillah.

I may not live the live I've always dreamed, but to be grateful for the now, Allah will offer more later, kan? I'll hold on to His promise.


Thursday, February 19, 2015

al kahfi


The yearly mail from Bayyinah came.
And oh how I long for the day when I can finally register for the Quranic Arab course. Huaaa~~~

One of the requirements to join the programme, is to memorise surah al kahfi.

Planning to be there in another 5 years. Cause of the 9 months duration of the course. Must settle all things at home by then inshaAllah. Especially $$$-wise.
Jom siapkan diri.


Wednesday, February 18, 2015



This week is physically demanding.

The haze is worsening my asthma and the MDI needs a refill soon. And I was thinking on how dengue is stealing me off surgical for the week. And that kind of thought, well, is not that good of a thought when you are sick. Haha. Susah wor nak kerja dekat department that had vague memories of you in Zaman HO Jahiliyah. Lol.

I got to know that the ward I am jaga-ing is also home to my favourite Medical Specialist, Dr Tan. And it feels great in that he is around when I was on call. Kinda gave assurance that help is just a room away. And he suggested I get bronchioplasty (I could only cough and laugh at this suggestion, in view of my asthma attacks. It was terrible to the extent that I could only speak in phrases!). And today, he said something really nice, that made me grateful God gave me the opportunity to work with him again.

He told me "you're good, and I hope you enjoy your stay for the week with us".

I still can't believe he said that. HAHAHAHA. Totally replaying that moment in my mind. And he doesn't have that cheeky sarcasm this time around. It was his face when he wants to convey news to patients. You know, that, calming, assuring tone. HAHAHAHA.

Or rather, my actual point was, I think God had just sent me this little message. That goes along the line of, you'll be fine, don't feel bad about changing into a new department, this is your chance of self discovery again. Be good, and be certain of your beliefs wherever you are thrown to.




I didn't know
You're actually
A delicate
A delicate flower

How can I not fall for that?

Monday, February 16, 2015

a view


Work has started to get entangled with the state of mind.
So much that we walk around post call telling each other, "marry me". (Of course, this happens among the single ladies aje)
And we hugged and somehow, were able let go of the fleeting disappointment that we are not at home chillaxing.

A friend I became an orang tengah to got married, Alhamdulillah.
And there is another, hopefully in the making, inshaAllah.

Me? Still awkwardly learning on the sidelines. Haha.
The whole idea of being loved and cared for is so welcoming at this stage of life.
And it is so weird, this surgical department, our MOs and Registrars and Specialists are so loving and caring. Makes me wanna marry the department. Lol.


I was supposed to rest, in view of an AEBA episode and in view of work starting in 2hours however, the whole coughing is restraining me from sleep.

So I ended up stalking the lovely family you have and thought, well, I have a lovely family too. And having a weird sort of parentage is not a bad thing at all. Haha.

I love my family. In a weird way, but heck, we don't live normal. And that makes us special somehow.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. ^^,

Marry me,

Something is wrong with your iman.
If you ever think of someone else as inferior.


Sunday, February 08, 2015



The mind thinks what it thinks. 

Dan dengan itu sahaja, segala niat suci terus jadi kelam. 

Kenapa sungguh serius?

Sebab aku tak nak territory aku tarnish.

Tapi itulah lumrah Facebook.


Wa Qulu Qaulan Sadida. 

Belum cukup mahir. 
Untuk tegak pada prinsip.
Fleksibel pada kaedah. 


Wednesday, February 04, 2015



I am grateful to work in a crowd of housemen who are so dedicated that you gotta ask yourself everyday - what more can I do to make this ward a better place?

It is so nice when your colleague forks out money to present an end stage patient with durian and Haagen Dazs.

They'd be happy discharged from the ward, that is for sure.
And when news come to you, that they have gone, then there is very little room for regret.
You thank God for the chances He gave, to gift happiness in the little ways you know how, in the brief time, through a subtle connection, in that glimpse of history of you and me.


I went to visit Uncle.
"Doctor! I haven't seen you in 3 days!"
He will be transferred out to Medical Ward soon. I told him to be stronger there, as there will be many more people. Be strong Uncle!


And Alhamdulilllah, Sarah is back! The short meet up was definitely meaningful my dear! Wish to hang out with you more often. You definitely are a form of Mercy sent to me. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. ^^,


And I so so need to be in the US in 5 years time. I got it charted out. I hope it is a plan that WILL BE. I just wanted to live as a stranger in a foreign land, to learn Quranic Arab with scholars whom have inspired me so so much. Gotta find a way to influence Abah into letting me go. Haha.

Living again,

Monday, February 02, 2015

biggest mistake


When I was introduced to Surgical Medicine in my school years, I have to admit, I was one of those few whom can't keep my eyes and at times, mouth, shut, drowning perhaps, in my act of admiring the field in its entirety.

Surgeons have a way with words, which makes you ooh and aah-ed, as they present you their skills of exploring the human anatomy, in search of a pathology.

And as their muscles are trained to remember things, and they are celebrated as the hands of God, the time will come, when they murder, on the table.


Surgery is fun and all. That short passage serves a reminder to me, cause of what happened some time ago. I was a little too overconfident to insert a Foley's. Which resulted in a disaster (he did not die, no, but he was hurt none the less) and a lot of apologies, and two days of being remorseful - I ate at a restaurant crying - that was the extent of the damage, emotionally. I hated how my specialist won't let me deal with my mistake,  but that was just one fellow whom I will let slide in view of her being an obnoxious jerk to almost everyone. I was thankful however, that the uncle was forgiving enough.

In fact, now that I think about it, I am thankful for the mistake. It made me realised how I have been so out of touch with my patients. I have forgotten how to care for them, to offer them support, to remind them about God, to tell them it is okay to be sick and ask for help, to remind them how they need to muster the energy in themselves to help themselves.

And the uncle made me relearn all those. It was quite a price to pay, but yeah, Alhamdulillah. At first, I could not bear to look at the uncle, but he was always smiling and assuring me all is well that my heart could not but go to him, and to make that eye contact saying "I hope you are well today" every time we face each other.

He just reminded me about things I always USED to do with my patients, to get to know them, and during rounds, make this side jokes - without the superiors noticing, which, has made my HO experience so much more worth it and special.

Never mind the long hours of work. Never mind missing out on things (which, if you've scheduled properly, sebenarnya, not missing much pun) Haha. Honestly, to be able to do our job and to be able to spread happiness doing that, well, that is a blessing itself.

There is a responsibility that comes with being a senior HO whether I like it or not, and yes, I need to speed up a little, and spice up the remainder of this ending journey. Like how my senior HOs has inspired me in my younger days, I need to leave a legacy as well. Ilmu adalah among the things we can carry to our graves kan? So lets!


I honestly was so afraid of the mistake. I called Mama. And she told me to pray to Him. And she would do the same. And I was reminded of this, how wonderful He is.

Senior HO,

Monday, January 12, 2015

i have not the answer to that question


I may have found a comfort zone working in the line of medicine. And with that, I have come to terms with rerealising my values. Funny how often, that I forgot who I am, when under stress. And with the clarity that follows, I go asking myself, oh my, why was I THAT pitiful? Haha.
Haih. Still a lot left to learn to become an adult.

I thank God, for this wave of calmness He has been sending lately. Are my prayers being answered with this comfort?

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
*mental note - don't ever stop praying, and to seek forgiveness*


I thought the question regarding spouses stops at family level and boy, was I wrong. Now that I am familiar with my colleagues at work, everyone new would be asking my marital status. And it's kinda funny when it came to a surprise to them as to why I am still single.

"I don't think I am ready. If you've been in my shoes, then you would have known, the tremendous amount of support I need to trust that it is the right step", is what I wish to say.

"Tak ada orang nak, nak buat camne, ada calon ke?" is what I threaten them with, by which time they would stop asking.

My surgeons suggested something else that I guess won't hurt much.

"Azizi, have you decided to join us (surgery)?"
"No Sir, still thinking"
"You see, Surgery is like marriage, you just jump into it. You shouldn't think too much, too much of it will scare you. And you will back out. Just jump into it."
"What if I regret it?"
"I jumped in, no regrets" (looking at me, with what I assumed was an assuring smile behind that mask)


I guess I can jump into Surgery.
The fall doesn't look that scary.

With that, lets continue to work our ass off to be Star Girl (of the surgery department) and isthikarah berpanjangan.

Joining the scalpel side,
Miss Nora