Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Dear God


The unlikely thing to happen, has happened.
And I'm surprised that, contrary to my belief, things feel right.

All those years of having to play the tough role. It was because You wanted to gift me with this ke?
Protecting me from harms way. And allowing me to find comfort in trusting You.

So that I don't regret what I experience, so I don't regret what I feel.
I never had control over those things, however hard I try.
And I was, really hard on myself.
And You keep on laying these safety nets, airbags, shock absorbers.
It feels as if You're telling me, it's okay, I'm only human, and You can totally handle it, so, I need to be okay and carry on with life.

Dear God, I honestly feel precious. :') Or if I can put it literally, my heart feels precious. So, can You make it that I will long for this feel everyday?

So that my vessel embodies the saying, to serve God by serving people.
And spare what I can with gratitude. :)

God is good. All the time.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

words that hurt


If I ever hurt anyone in any way with my words and action, I hope people would just say it out. Cause some words are so painful to the heart, that, I wouldn't want anyone to be in the receiving end.

After 6/7 years of studying, I think it is clear that, rules, are meant to be followed, because, in this field, everything is evidence based. Clearly, if you enter the OT, you should change into new scrubs. For all the hygienic and infectious risk purposes.
Then I got a "garangnya perempuan ni" because I was convincing you both, that if you were a patient, you would not want your doctor to take this matter lightly.


Just because I'm younger, single, child-less, doesn't mean that I don't think. One day, you're going to become doctors, and you're gonna be put in charge of management, which, you cannot run away from, that would one day decide between life and death. I don't think I'd want a doctor with such attitude.

It's not like we haven't be taught, that, when our decisions differ, depending on whether our family is involve in the plan or not, we need to sort out our priorities.

Values. Nilai-nilai murni. Values are of no value kalau kau pilih bulu nak kasi khidmat terbaik dekat siapa. Aku rasa, pesakit tak perlukan doktor macam tu.
Alang-alang tu, aku nak tambah, serius aku tak faham kalau orang racist jadi doktor.


Another hurt I've held back is the one that goes "tak dapat bayangkan budak ni kahwin, macam tak ada orang boleh kawal dia". Honestly, I wanted to ask, "where did that come from?" but being senior paling cool dan sempoi, it never came out. Tak salah aku kira kalau aku ambil bahagian secara aktif dalam kelas. Tak salah kalau aku mesra alam. Kau tak pernah terfikir ke, niat aku innocent habis. Aku tak rasa kesal langsung sebab tak pilih bulu macam kau.
And by the way, is that what marriage is about to you? To be controlled by someone? Joke people, joke.

You don't even know me. Where I came from, where I've been. You think people who are seemingly happy all the time have no problems ke? Haha. I live being grateful that God have protected me from attempting to harm my life with stupid things.

Your judgement is ridiculous.
What's more ridiculous however, is my being hurt by it.

Haih. Serius jantung aku sedih sangat-sangat sekarang.


Saturday, May 25, 2013

set the stage


Not exercising is no good.
I get tired too easily and sleep more than I should.

It's not too late to restart the regime again.
Jyeahhh :D :D :D


Friday, May 24, 2013

beneath it all


The thing about being strong is that, no one, is ever gonna ask you, if you're okay.
You're so strong that you're allowed to go your own way.
You're so strong that people don't really bother if you live or die.
And you get so used to it.
You get so used to convincing yourself that things really are just fine.

When deep inside, you'd wished, you could risk it all, be vulnerable enough.
Risking it all however, should only happen if there's someone to catch you if you fall.

It is too painful otherwise.

At times, I wish I could be weak. Well, there're a few souls whom I allow myself to be weak with, cause they won't harm me. And circumstances taught me that, it is perhaps better that way.

It hurts a little when people come for petty things, as if it were a matter of life and death, (but who am I to judge, what is of grave importance to each and everyone of us) that maybe, I don't want to share my part of the story because somehow, it might be petty things to people with much bigger problems.

I longed a place called home. Where I could be comfortable and honest.
I really do.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

at least


Forgive me when I whine.
Just that, this place is so alien to me.
I don't want to stay in this well too long.
And I honestly do not know what is best.

Then I thought of how far You've brought me.
At least I can focus on other things now :')
At least I'm prevented from inflicting more harm
At least I am happy.

I'm a constellation of emotions
Because this is a foreign, foreign land.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

tak sekuat itu


I long for a long walk to nowhere in particular.
With the exams though, I could only imagine taking the walk. >.<

Come on dear, satu bulan sahaja lagi.

*nangis berderu-deru*


Friday, May 10, 2013

about time


I'm trying to sort things out. And learn a thing or two I could.
I've asked for opinions, but yet to finish my research. Hope it'll turn out fine.

All in all, I need to always be clear of my intention. That is what will make or break.

This scares the hell outta me, but as they say, anxiety, is nothing but fear of the unknown.
I hope to be sure.
And I have to remind myself that being sure, will need a lot of composure, a lot of patience.


O Allah, ordain for me the good, whatever it may be, and make me content with it. :')


Thursday, May 02, 2013

eye opener


I understood when he mentioned we all need that motivated friend to make sure we don't give up on our way to excellence.

I understand it better in times like this. When you're just darn sleepy that if you're in the comforts of home right now, it is most probable that your corpus would be deeply embedded in the warmth of the duvet.
Unless, you have a friend to go to the library with. :) yeahhh!!!

Speaking of which, we escaped casualty by 45 minutes when the gas leak happened at Divadlo early this week.
I thank God we are okay.
It's going to be quite some time before we could revisit Akademie Ved's library. My favourite place to study. In a way, it's saddening cause it feels like Prague just can't wait to say goodbye.

I don't know why I must think and feel so much. :'(


I sniffed some fishy business. Which involves brainwashing my thoughts about certain individuals.

As of now, I don't think such measure is necessary. I'm pretty observant myself, thank you.

And that'll add up to the list of things I'll never say. :P


Time is what it takes to make or break.


Wednesday, May 01, 2013

calm down


Calm down, deep breaths.
And get yourself composed instead.

Keeping the options open dan berdoa bersungguh-sungguh.

Cause like everything else, this too, will naturally pass :)

Thanks for calling me, over and over again God.